So…I managed to get rid of the bladder infection…then four days later it came back. I’m now dosed up on pain killers, antibiotics and barely able to walk because of the pain.
This is now the 7th time in 14 months I’ve had it so I need tests and scans done to see why it’s happening. -_-
So no gym for me…still…
So I haven’t been able to start my exercise regime properly as I have been ill -_- I have a stomach ache, head ache and I feel tired all the time, and just generally sick. So doing press ups and skipping wouldn’t help. Although the few times I have been able to do it is starting to make an improvement, as I’m starting to get a wee bit of muscle in my arms 😀 my skipping isn’t so good but that can be worked on. I’m not sure if my illness is caused by my anti-depressants as I’ve had the dosage upped to 20mg from 10mg and since then I’ve been ill…so it might be them. I’ll have to check the side effects, but on the other hand it is that time of month and I tend to get ill then anyway…so we’ll see how it goes.
So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.
The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.
I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.
So this is me for the next week.
If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say
Sometimes forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.
I used to think anorexia was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m effectively killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.
I’m not living – I’m surviving.