So…I managed to get rid of the bladder infection…then four days later it came back. I’m now dosed up on pain killers, antibiotics and barely able to walk because of the pain.
This is now the 7th time in 14 months I’ve had it so I need tests and scans done to see why it’s happening. -_-
So no gym for me…still…
So I haven’t been able to start my exercise regime properly as I have been ill -_- I have a stomach ache, head ache and I feel tired all the time, and just generally sick. So doing press ups and skipping wouldn’t help. Although the few times I have been able to do it is starting to make an improvement, as I’m starting to get a wee bit of muscle in my arms 😀 my skipping isn’t so good but that can be worked on. I’m not sure if my illness is caused by my anti-depressants as I’ve had the dosage upped to 20mg from 10mg and since then I’ve been ill…so it might be them. I’ll have to check the side effects, but on the other hand it is that time of month and I tend to get ill then anyway…so we’ll see how it goes.
C
So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.
The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.
I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.
So this is me for the next week.
If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say
C
So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:
Last I heard my close friend is worse. It all started because a girl at her college is copying her. My friend is the popular one, and this other girl wants to be, so she began to copy my friend and to bitch really badly behind her back to try and make people think my friend is lesser. Most people think the other girl is a douche, but when my friend found out what was said she began to think something was wrong with her and began throwing up. She was doing really well and didn’t throw up for a day, then she heard the other girl had been bitching again and started throwing again. She also says she eats when she isn’t hungry, she just eats…she isn’t fat…but she is always eating…even when she isn’t hungry. She no longer see’s food as food, but rather as calories. She has a sudden desire to be the girl that when she walks into parties, everyone says how fantastic she looks…but last time she went to a party all she’d eaten that day was an apple and some paracetamol and she ended up paralytic…
Friend two finds eating is the only thing that makes her happy. She can’t go to school because her schizophrenia is so bad she can’t focus so she won’t get good grades. She can’t go to college because there is nothing to study, she can’t go to uni because she doesn’t have the grades, she can’t go to work because she’s too ill to sustain a job. She feels like her life is going no where. She eats to make herself happy, but then she wants to throw it up but because her Dad is now working at home to keep an eye on her, she can’t throw up which makes her feel ugly and dirty.
So I’m meant to be at school but I’m home ill.
I’ve been finding it harder than normal to get out of bed and get moving every morning, I’ve been getting later and later everyday and have less motivation each time. I NEED a break, I ran out of steam last Friday and I’ve been running on empty all week.
I missed two days last week being ill and having uni interviews so I had work to catch up on resulting in 7 essays to do for Friday and finding this out on Weds.
On Tuesday I went into school and couldn’t read or write for a day as every time I looked down my head started spinning.
Yesterday I was stressed and today I woke up even more stressed.
It’s that time of month so I’m not 100% anyway. I’m stressed with all the essays. Worried about uni, will I get in? Will me and my partner be together or apart? If we’re apart how will we cope? If we’re apart will we fall apart like my friend and her partner are? How will I cope at uni with my illnesses?
So I have no lessons today and I spent the first lesson doing my first essay. I hadn’t had time to brush my teeth or put my makeup on that morning so I did that half way through. Finished and was still in a bad mood as I was now in pain from the period (I suffer badly). I felt deflated, exhausted, stressed, down and irritable. I was playing Angry Birds to chill for a bit then a girl who I’ll call M came along and intentionally jogged me even though she could see I was in a bad mood, so rather than being careful round me like everyone she pissed me off…smooth. Just for some background knowledge M is supposed to be one of my best friends best friend, but has been a right cow to her lately and she’s just generally annoying as she has been for the last two years as she’s very self centered and thinks the world of herself. A lot of my friends sing and they were standing there singing Queen songs and she was shouting at them to shut up, saying they were annoying and pissing me off, they’re enjoying themselves why should they shut up for a stupid bitch who doesn’t even like them and should really move if they’re that annoying but no, she’s the center of the world and too lazy to move.
I ended up telling her to shut up and she said “No I’m not, I’m not gonna shut up just because you’re in a bad mood”…well if you know i’m in a bad mood why are you pushing me? I ended up telling her what I thought of her, that’s she’s a bitch to my best friend and she was going on about “you have no idea what she’s said to me…you don’t know half the story to shut up…omg I can’t be bothered with this…stay out of other peoples business…etc etc”
When she went I ended up collapsing in tears on my partner, I’d had enough, I wanted to punch M and another girl, it was all too much but I couldn’t say this because I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling.
After about 10 mins I told him to go to his lesson as he needed to and I didn’t want him to get into trouble and I collapsed on my stuff. Two of my friends came over and looked after me, we ended up eating chocolate and talking about what food’s shouldn’t be tried, like chocolate bacon.
Still, everyone was annoying me. M is probably gonna moan to my best friend. My best friends may or may not get upset with me. My tutor will be pissed I didn’t turn up to her unscheduled lesson and give me a lecture. Another stupid girl is pissing me off. Little things that I normally ignore are all too much. I don’t know if I can stand going in tomorrow. I’ll do all I can to get my essays done. But I don’t know what will happen next. I expect when M finds out I went home she will attribute it to her wonderful arguing skills and say how lame and sad I am and pride herself on pissing me off. But right now I don’t give. I can’t. I haven’t got the energy. The holidays start in two days and I hope to start again afterwards.
C
Sometimes forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.
I used to think anorexia was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m effectively killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.
I’m not living – I’m surviving.
One thing they don’t tell you of when you get mentally ill is the danger of becoming bored of being ill, like I have. I’m tired of being tired, hungry, ill, depressed and unable to eat/drink/do what I want when I want.
I can’t eat fast food because my body is too sensitive to cope with the protein shock, I can’t drink fizzy drinks because my body is too sensitive to cope with the sugar rush, I can’t go on roller coaster and rides at theme parks because I have an irregular heartbeat and can’t breath. I used to be able to do all this, I had fun and loved it, but now I have to stand and watch people having fun. go searching for alternative food when everyone’s buying McDonald’s, I’m sick of being unable to join in.
This recently came to a head when me and my partner went on a ride at a theme park. It was like Vortex at Thorpe Park but with dry ice and strobe lighting. When we were walking onto the ride on the sign it said “Do not ride if you have heart problems”. I knew I would have a problem, but hoped maybe this time it would be different. It was different – it was worse. I began to get doubts as we were getting strapped in, the dry ice was shot out the floor up into our faces (dry ice can affect breathing anyway so already I can’t breathe normally but hadn’t yet realized), the ride began to spin and swing higher and higher. The strobe lighting kicked in (which can make me have blackouts where I have no memory of what happened for the duration of the blackout but I continue to do the last thing on my mind, which if it is to get off the ride I will even if it’s still in motion), so already I can’t breathe and at risk of loosing consciousness to some degree. As the swinging got higher every time we reached the height my heart stopped, the swing down made me feel sick and the spinning was disorienting me, in between stopping beating my heart would then beat abnormally slowly for resting let alone on a spinning, swinging ride. It was bad but controllable, my partner turned round to look at me and could see something was wrong “What’s wrong?” he shouted over the heavy dance track, I told him nothing but he knew I was lying. As the swinging and spinning began to slow down to stop I told him I’d be fine, then an automated voice shouted at us “Scream if you want some more”. We weren’t stopping we were going again and I knew I was loosing control. So we began to swing higher, I tried shutting my eyes but when we swung it felt worse like there was a huge force against my chest preventing me from breathing, I opened my eyes and the giant Ferris wheel at the other end of the fair ground was underneath me, disorientated I was pulled backwards by the swing, by this time my partner was shouting at me, terrified I would pass out and not be revived in time. I decided to focus on a single point so I focused on the face of the man opposite me, but I could see the ground racing towards me from behind him, I gripped my partner’s hand as he tried to signal to them to stop the ride, I couldn’t breathe, my partner was terrified and there was no way off. Finally the ride stopped and I managed to walk off with my partner supporting me as my legs felt shaky, light and like they could collapse at any moment, when we sat down on the grass my partner held me tight and we refused to let go of each other for a few minutes, we couldn’t hear each other talk over the loud music so we walked to a quieter spot. I explained what had happened and my partner said he thought he was going to lose me, especially when I shut my eyes as he thought I had fainted. We held each other close, I said sorry over and over again, told him I’d done it because I’m tired of being ill, he understood and made me swear never to do anything like that again.
Eventually I’ve become a danger to myself.
Mood swings are a huge problem for me too, I have bipolar disorder so I have a lot of them, and depending on my mood my appetite drastically changes, if I’m depressed I don’t feel hungry and people have to remind me to eat, if I’m anxious I can only eat a small amount or I feel physically sick. So not only am I dangerous I’m dictated by my illnesses.
Que vicious circle. 
The Anorexia Diary 