Good news 🙂 I have gained 4 pounds and have gone to 8 stone 2 pounds.
Trying to beat anorexia without a target is a bit confusing as I don’t know where I’m supposed to be aiming. Using online weight/height/age calculators I’ve found out I need to weight approximately 10 stone (gulp) which seems a long way off since the heaviest I’ve ever been is 8 stone 5 and that was last year…I think. So my aim is to get to 10 stone at some point.
I was recommended for cognitive behavioral therapy but my first session was cancelled due to the therapist being ill and they haven’t called back. In the mean time my hormones are raging inside me and I keep crying and getting angry for no apparent reason so I’m going to the doctors on Monday (17th Oct) to see what they think is happening.
Sometimes forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.
I used to think anorexia was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m effectively killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.
I’m not living – I’m surviving.
Just a quick post to say I am beginning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) soon. This is a form of therapy which looks at and analyses thought processes and looks to help negative ones.
So one minute I’m all for beating anorexia. then along comes school stress and i’m not hungry, I’m tired, I want to sleep not eat and I’ve lost three pounds – not a huge amount but when you already have a very low BMI every pound lost means weeks of trying to get it back. It also tends to mean I’m going backwards and struggling. Instead of being bored of being ill I’m now too tired to fight it. I have trouble remembering why I’m doing this, why I want to get better. After all, isn’t being super skinny what everyone wants? Or is it what I wanted once and now I’m so used to it I don’t know how to get out?