An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 9’ Category

I wanna be like Marina

Or more specifically I want a body like Marina…

For those of you who don’t know this is Marina Diamandis…more commonly known as Marina and the Diamonds…

I wanna be like her…

All lucious curves and awesomeness…

I don’t want boobs as big as hers…just maybe one size bigger than what I’ve got…

So I can be curvy…

She’s gone blond and tanned to be her character Electra Heart but I want to be like her…




Hooray for Acne

So lately I’ve been suffering really badly with my acne. It doesn’t show in the other pictures because I either Photoshop myself or it wasn’t visible then. It’s stress related and with exams looming, low self-esteem, family problems and feeling like I fail my partner (I go through periods of time when I don’t feel good enough which is nothing to do with how he treats me, it’s just my mental psyche at the time) as well as other problems my acne has come back with vengance.

Which is making me feel ugly because it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I know it will go away but because it’s there it makes me stress about it…which means it gets worse…so I get more stressed etc

So I was browsing on the internet and I found a video of a girl who also has bouts of acne like me and she uses this concealer to hide it. I watched her put it on and even just a thin layer of it on her face hid all the spots and just left a bit of redness. Wow. Thing is…I’m very against foundation for several reasons:

    • it feels like face paint
    • it can make your spots worse
    • it takes ages to put on
    • powder gets all over everything
    • I don’t want to end up like this(my partner says he’ll stop me before I end up looking like this lol):
  • I don’t want to go orange or have weird looking skin
  • I don’t want to end up like the girls with horrific foundation lines and foundation on so thick it actually starts to clump on their faces

But with my self esteem falling fast and with my partner’s support-the spots don’t bother him, he just wants me to feel more confident-I’m off today to see what I can find. I want something light, that works, that wont clog my pores or stop my skin breathing and covers the spots quickly and effectively and doesn’t cost stupid amounts of money. It also has to mach my skin down to a T. I’m not gonna buy something that feels like face paint, makes the spots worse and makes me look a funny colour. End of.

I also think I look too masculine. My face shape is horrible. I’m a weird shape. My boobs are too small. My legs are horrible. I can’t stand the sight of my self at the moment so I’m doing my makeup not actually looking at me, just looking at what I’m doing. So rather than just walking round feeling like crap I’m going to try and combat this as once exams are over I’ll chill and my spots will go. This is just a cover up because I’d rather be able to just focus on my exams than worry about how I look all the time.

Here’s the girl with the awesome concealer (MAC Pro-longwear concealer NW20):

Bad Week

School has taken over my life
I have no hobbies
Frustrated at people
7 years of following the rules and now in the last few weeks I begin to slip and everyone is hounding me
Sad I have to leave all my friends and family in a few months to go to uni – this is the life i’ve always known and it’s about to end

just in a bad way

and the sun owes an apology for being WELL overdue
Story of my life at the moment

We’re not attention seekers – Anorexia Stories

YouTube comments:

This is not a proud weight loss video. This is about me losing weight I didn’t need to lose and getting completely wrapped up in a disease that could have, and STILL could, take my life. My advice is to love yourself no matter what size you are. Once you do that, if you still think you actually NEED to lose weight to be HEALTHY…eat right and exercise.

Amen. And people wonder why we relapse.. It’s things like this that people say that bring us down. People have told me that I’m too fat to have an eating disorder, that I’m doing it for attention, etc. I’m here for you girl and don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t beautiful. ❤

K get to a hospital or something. That’s 63.8 pounds. You would literally be to to weak to move. Anyways, don’t tell someone who suffers from an eating disorder that you weigh less then them. If you truly knew what it was like to suffer like she has you wouldn’t even think about commenting your own weight. Get help. Don’t desperately beg for attention from strangers while potentially causing someone else to relapse.

I hope you’re able to beat the disease and get back to your original weight. You will always be beautiful, because you have a gorgeous, kind spirit, and you’re naturally pretty…but you looked, your most radiant, healthy, glowing, young, spectacular, and drop-dead stunning before you lost any weight at all =)!!!

This comment made me feel so much better and more determined to beat my anorexia:

When I watch all these anorexia videos, the saddest thing is how you all looked SO gorgeous before you lost the weight. So much prettier, healthier, all of that before you got skinny and then you didnt look half as good. God bless you with your struggle. You are gorgeous.




Love Your Body Campaign…

(Sorry this post is a bit messy…everything keeps jumping around in the layout)

I was a-nosying around the other day on le intranet and I found the NOW Foundation’s Love Your Body Campaign which is part of the National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (a.k.a. NEDAwareness): The Love Your Body website

The Love Your Body campaign aims to challenge the view that a woman’s value is measured through her “willingness and ability to embody current beauty standards.” They believe the beauty industry and the media put too much influence on how women look, not focusing on anything else, they outline where these ideas come from in adverts, magazine’s, fashion adverts, TV, film, music video’s, internet, clothes, toys and video games.

Routine objectification and sexualization of women in the media and other cultural institutions can lead to anxiety, shame, self-disgust, undermined confidence and discomfort with one’s own body.

Research supports that sexualization can lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression — three of the most common mental health disorders in girls and women, according to the American Psychological Association (APA).

I think their campaign is a very good idea (if a bit idealistic-it encourages women to basically get together and fight advertisers which is a good idea on paper, but in practice it’s a bit more complex) I don’t completely agree with how they’re going about it (donate to them, buy their official goodies, start pacts, send e-cards – stuff like that…it’s all to much of a corporate love-fest for me), but I can agree with their principles. Which is why I’m blogging about it.

They’re IS too much focus on women’s bodies, and all shapes, styles, ages and types need to be embraced. Women don’t have to have 7 types of foundation on to be beautiful, if you love you it shines out and because you’re more confident people will find you more attractive.

The Love Your Body Campaign posters are my favourite part as I think they’re brilliant and very encouraging, here’s my favourites:









































So, in conclusion: the Love Your Body campaign is a good idea, it has a lot of good principles and it’s well worth a read so you can be alert to the body image minefield that we live through everyday…but don’t be swept up in it’s campaign until you’ve had a proper think about it. Many people go ‘hell yeah!’ buy the stuff, then as you get more and more emails encouraging you to do things you realize you are a working person and you don’t have time for all this..all you wanted was for you and your friends to be happy. So just take a minute or two to think before diving in.

Apart from that: happy body loving 🙂


Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 1 pound (no change)

I really should change this to fortnightly weigh in…;)

Bra’s and Knickers

Ok, so this applies to EVERYONE, whether you’re size 0 or size 45 (don’t know if that exists).

The biggest ego boost you can give yourself and the best way to make your figure look fabulous is to invest in some decent underwear that actually fits and is not a multi-pack or cheap and cheerful.

I never thought much about underwear till I met my partner because I was just dressing for me. I wore bra’s from Lidl that were about £7 and after a few washes they went a weird shape but I still wore them as they did the job. I’m between a AA and an A and depending on the shop I’m a 32 or 34. I once decided I had grown out of my A cup bra’s and was actually a B…which meant I had two bra’s that were MASSIVELY too big for me. The best bra’s I had were from BHS…they were alright but they were very flimsy and only had inderwiring…meaning they didn’t really give me any structured shape.

I then met my partner, and as he helped me beat anorexia and told me how he saw me through his eyes I began to get an interest in the more feminine aspects of being a woman. plain Lidl bra’s didn’t really cut it any more. It wasn’t until Christmas I actually got a new bra. It was in a sale (I’m a cheap skate at heart). It was red with gold-embroidered leaves on it, very grown up and very classy by a brand called Adore Moi from Debenhams. The brand is normally quite pricey (£25) but it did wonders for me.

I sudden;y had a nice chest area. It also enhanced my decolletage, as it gave me support and enhanced my natural cleavage. I didn’t realize this till a few days later when I was wearing a tank top and I suddenly thought “Oh hello…where did you come from?”. It made me more confident and I realized the blessing of good underwear.

When it comes to knickers good one’s are also a blessing. Although I’d be wary of knickers without a hem (the folded over bit on the edge of clothes) as they fray and get really annoying. But good knickers make you feel sexy and attractive and they’re so comfortable 🙂 You also feel so much more confident when you catch yourself in the mirror as you look good and even when you take them off, you can still see the good sides of you rather than the bad. I’d avoid knickers with a seam along the bottom of it as they give the worst wedgies.

So all in all…get some nice underwear. Even if you save up your pocket-money for that one fabulous bra then do so. You don’t have to spend masses of money on a bra or pair of knickers, just try it on and ask yourself does it fit? Does it make you look good? Do you feel good wearing it? if the answer is yes then go for it. If you have small breasts like me you might need to ferret around a bit, but some really good shops are Debenhams and Ann Summers (they do nice underwear that isn’t all fetish so don’t discount them).

From Ann Summers:

From Adore Moi – Debenhams:


So, I’m 10 months into beating anorexia and I have to say I’m feeling positive. I’m still on a body confidence high from friday night, so I’m feeling good about myself. I’d still like slightly bigger breasts to be more curvaceous, and to muscle up mu arms a bit and I still need to come to terms with my thighs and sort out my posture, but it’s nothing a little excercise or a decent push up bra (every now and then) can’t fix.

In terms of food, I enjoy it. I like it. I can taste flavours and textures and I’m beginning to distinguish between them and actually get some favourite meals. I’m still cooking, last night me and my partner cooked a coconut cake…the coconut icing failed and yellow food dye is a bad idea…but we mixed up some pink butter icing and saved it 🙂 I’m not an organic health freak anymore either. As well as not eating, when I did used to eat I would be convinced that chocolate was bad and I could only eat muesli bars and fruit…I also considered going vegetarian for a while and my Mum put refused to cook me vegetarian food because she knew I wasn’t eating right and as a vegetarian I would be even less healthy.

But all in all I feel good about myself. I feel more confident. I went out and bought some bright red lipstick the other day (It’s actually more purple-y because the bright red was a little too much for me too handle but it’s still the same thing) which is something I’ve wanted to do but never had the confidence to wear.

Hopefully this will continue, I’m still not ‘cured’ and I know in a few weeks I will probably be stressing out, comfort eating, feeling crap and just generally not being well…but at this moment in time I feel good. And I just thought I’d share it because I’m quite proud of it.


PARTAY!!! (a good stepping stone)

So, I went to a friends 18th and it was a house party. ‘Twas the first house party I’ve ever been too and had a Hawaiian theme…because I like the punk/grunge style I have nothing remotely flowery or colourful…so I improvised with a sarong and a crop top. Which meant I would be showing my stomach off in public. For the first time. To my friends. And with my ‘new’ stomach (As in I have some meat on me now). And I was ok.

I got a bit nervous before hand; would I look slutty? would people call me fat?

But all that happened was I got some funny/surprised looks which were mainly people surprised I had actually done that as I tend to be covered up.

I also got a complement, one of my friends said “I looked over and I was like “ooh Chevonne has her stomach out!”, you have a good stomach” which was nice and gave me a confidence boost.

I had a good time and now feel more confident with my self

Ok so I don’t have a perfect toned stomach

Ok so I’m not a model

Ok so I don’t quite have the curvaceous figure I would like

But my body isn’t that bad

It’s actually quite nice…

Which I think is quite a good step forward for me 🙂


Here are some pics of me from said partay, enjoy xp

my favorite:

me and my partner:

I’m the crazy one on the right:

super cool dancing:

I am b-e-a-utiful

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