An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘self-esteem’


I’m OK with my body, I still think my top half is too small for the bottom but I know it can be fixed in the future with implants.

I’ve had my hair cut short again, I didn’t like it being long, it got in the way and stubbornly refused to do anything unless I spent ages singing it with straighteners. I’ve bought a wig though, because sometimes I do want long hair and I can just pop the wig on and go.

The anti-depressants are working, I don’t get depressed as much, I do occasionally get irritable but that’s just me being female 🙂 I don’t feel like I’m wearing a mask as I now know when I’m depressed and can deal with it rather than finding out too late and crashing out.

My acne is back, I’m not sure why because I’m not depressed, it might be because I’m lounging round the house and being a bit stig-y 🙂

Like I’ve said in previous posts, I’m really quiet at the moment because nothing is happening in my life. I’ve finished school, so I’m at home all day. There’s not enough jobs for the amount of people applying so I can’t do that, I don’t want to volunteer yet because I’m waiting to see if I’ve got a job I applied for and really want and I don’t want to start volunteering and then have to stop because I get another job. So I spend all day at home, cooking, drawing or playing on The Sims. I would go out and do stuff but the weather is so crap I can’t. We meet up with friends once a week and we all compare the nothing we’ve been doing 🙂 I have another post I started a while back I need to finish so I’ll get that done soon and I’ll do another weigh in as well 🙂 So watch this space


Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂


So, I went out and I bought some concealer and I’ve been wearing it for the past few days. It’s surprisingly easy to put on, I just put on a thin layer to take away the horrible redness, not to cover it up and it does the trick well. Just squeeze it out, rub it on your face and I use a big thick foundation brush to blend it in to prevent any lines or blotches.

The one that I have is Lancome Paris Effacernes Longue Tenue (Long Lasting Softening Concealer) in shade 01. It cost about £20 for 15ml (!!!) but it works well and blends in so you don’t notice it.

If you look in the top right hand corner of the bottle you can see how much has been used in 3 days…it’s not really a lot but then I only put a 1 thin layer on and it would probably go down a lot faster if I did thicker layers.

Here are some before and after pictures of me:



So not a phenomenal amazing change…just enough to kind of bleach the redness out of them which is what I wanted, and it doesn’t show which is a bonus. I put it around the sides of my face, my forehead and chin as these are the worst effected areas.

Depending on how long this one lasts I will either buy it again or try to find a cheaper option. I asked the lady at the Lancome counter in Boots to find the right shade for me as I like the Lancome ladies…and it was free which was a bonus.

Because I’ve got the concealer on I can’t touch or scratch my face because I’d scratch it off…and my spots are starting to go down which is good :).

And finally, here’s some advice from some other readers who know what they’re talking about 🙂

Try mineral make up – it won’t clog your pores and the assistant at the counter will find the perfect match for your skin. Some mineral make up is expensive (the brand I use charges about £20 for a foundation pot but the powder has lasted me over a year) but they are worth it.

Also wash your skin at night to remove make up, use a moisturiser with no added chemicals and don’t wash with soap! Cold creams/sensitive skin cleansers are the best to remove make up/oil/etc from your face.

Good luck!

~From Sissy~


 …Actually, I had suffer from acne too and still has been from time to time, but lately, I don’t have acne except for few scars that are left. You wouldn’t really turn orange or something as long as you find the right shade of foundation and concealer. You will get cakey though sometimes, but that is because of the weather, but you can fix it up by applying a good moisturizer first so you will have a smooth skin to work with, so the build-up will not get visible once you put your foundation. Back before, I used foundation and concealer because of my sever acne. But, I realized that if i keep putting foundation and concealer, I will just triggering the break out and will get worse, so I give my face a rest. I went bare face for a week, and felt really really bad, buut then I embraced my face regardless of it. I tend to get shy though, very! Then from a week turned to a month and now, my breakout calmed down and stopped. I don’t use make up anymore, except on special occassions, but I use concealer sometimes only to cover under eyebags but not putting on my pimple. I regularly wash my face too, twice a day but with no soap.
Good luck and stay beautiful :)
~From The Blogger ~

Hooray for Acne

So lately I’ve been suffering really badly with my acne. It doesn’t show in the other pictures because I either Photoshop myself or it wasn’t visible then. It’s stress related and with exams looming, low self-esteem, family problems and feeling like I fail my partner (I go through periods of time when I don’t feel good enough which is nothing to do with how he treats me, it’s just my mental psyche at the time) as well as other problems my acne has come back with vengance.

Which is making me feel ugly because it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I know it will go away but because it’s there it makes me stress about it…which means it gets worse…so I get more stressed etc

So I was browsing on the internet and I found a video of a girl who also has bouts of acne like me and she uses this concealer to hide it. I watched her put it on and even just a thin layer of it on her face hid all the spots and just left a bit of redness. Wow. Thing is…I’m very against foundation for several reasons:

    • it feels like face paint
    • it can make your spots worse
    • it takes ages to put on
    • powder gets all over everything
    • I don’t want to end up like this(my partner says he’ll stop me before I end up looking like this lol):
  • I don’t want to go orange or have weird looking skin
  • I don’t want to end up like the girls with horrific foundation lines and foundation on so thick it actually starts to clump on their faces

But with my self esteem falling fast and with my partner’s support-the spots don’t bother him, he just wants me to feel more confident-I’m off today to see what I can find. I want something light, that works, that wont clog my pores or stop my skin breathing and covers the spots quickly and effectively and doesn’t cost stupid amounts of money. It also has to mach my skin down to a T. I’m not gonna buy something that feels like face paint, makes the spots worse and makes me look a funny colour. End of.

I also think I look too masculine. My face shape is horrible. I’m a weird shape. My boobs are too small. My legs are horrible. I can’t stand the sight of my self at the moment so I’m doing my makeup not actually looking at me, just looking at what I’m doing. So rather than just walking round feeling like crap I’m going to try and combat this as once exams are over I’ll chill and my spots will go. This is just a cover up because I’d rather be able to just focus on my exams than worry about how I look all the time.

Here’s the girl with the awesome concealer (MAC Pro-longwear concealer NW20):

Love Your Body Campaign…

(Sorry this post is a bit messy…everything keeps jumping around in the layout)

I was a-nosying around the other day on le intranet and I found the NOW Foundation’s Love Your Body Campaign which is part of the National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (a.k.a. NEDAwareness): The Love Your Body website

The Love Your Body campaign aims to challenge the view that a woman’s value is measured through her “willingness and ability to embody current beauty standards.” They believe the beauty industry and the media put too much influence on how women look, not focusing on anything else, they outline where these ideas come from in adverts, magazine’s, fashion adverts, TV, film, music video’s, internet, clothes, toys and video games.

Routine objectification and sexualization of women in the media and other cultural institutions can lead to anxiety, shame, self-disgust, undermined confidence and discomfort with one’s own body.

Research supports that sexualization can lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression — three of the most common mental health disorders in girls and women, according to the American Psychological Association (APA).

I think their campaign is a very good idea (if a bit idealistic-it encourages women to basically get together and fight advertisers which is a good idea on paper, but in practice it’s a bit more complex) I don’t completely agree with how they’re going about it (donate to them, buy their official goodies, start pacts, send e-cards – stuff like that…it’s all to much of a corporate love-fest for me), but I can agree with their principles. Which is why I’m blogging about it.

They’re IS too much focus on women’s bodies, and all shapes, styles, ages and types need to be embraced. Women don’t have to have 7 types of foundation on to be beautiful, if you love you it shines out and because you’re more confident people will find you more attractive.

The Love Your Body Campaign posters are my favourite part as I think they’re brilliant and very encouraging, here’s my favourites:









































So, in conclusion: the Love Your Body campaign is a good idea, it has a lot of good principles and it’s well worth a read so you can be alert to the body image minefield that we live through everyday…but don’t be swept up in it’s campaign until you’ve had a proper think about it. Many people go ‘hell yeah!’ buy the stuff, then as you get more and more emails encouraging you to do things you realize you are a working person and you don’t have time for all this..all you wanted was for you and your friends to be happy. So just take a minute or two to think before diving in.

Apart from that: happy body loving 🙂


Bra’s and Knickers

Ok, so this applies to EVERYONE, whether you’re size 0 or size 45 (don’t know if that exists).

The biggest ego boost you can give yourself and the best way to make your figure look fabulous is to invest in some decent underwear that actually fits and is not a multi-pack or cheap and cheerful.

I never thought much about underwear till I met my partner because I was just dressing for me. I wore bra’s from Lidl that were about £7 and after a few washes they went a weird shape but I still wore them as they did the job. I’m between a AA and an A and depending on the shop I’m a 32 or 34. I once decided I had grown out of my A cup bra’s and was actually a B…which meant I had two bra’s that were MASSIVELY too big for me. The best bra’s I had were from BHS…they were alright but they were very flimsy and only had inderwiring…meaning they didn’t really give me any structured shape.

I then met my partner, and as he helped me beat anorexia and told me how he saw me through his eyes I began to get an interest in the more feminine aspects of being a woman. plain Lidl bra’s didn’t really cut it any more. It wasn’t until Christmas I actually got a new bra. It was in a sale (I’m a cheap skate at heart). It was red with gold-embroidered leaves on it, very grown up and very classy by a brand called Adore Moi from Debenhams. The brand is normally quite pricey (£25) but it did wonders for me.

I sudden;y had a nice chest area. It also enhanced my decolletage, as it gave me support and enhanced my natural cleavage. I didn’t realize this till a few days later when I was wearing a tank top and I suddenly thought “Oh hello…where did you come from?”. It made me more confident and I realized the blessing of good underwear.

When it comes to knickers good one’s are also a blessing. Although I’d be wary of knickers without a hem (the folded over bit on the edge of clothes) as they fray and get really annoying. But good knickers make you feel sexy and attractive and they’re so comfortable 🙂 You also feel so much more confident when you catch yourself in the mirror as you look good and even when you take them off, you can still see the good sides of you rather than the bad. I’d avoid knickers with a seam along the bottom of it as they give the worst wedgies.

So all in all…get some nice underwear. Even if you save up your pocket-money for that one fabulous bra then do so. You don’t have to spend masses of money on a bra or pair of knickers, just try it on and ask yourself does it fit? Does it make you look good? Do you feel good wearing it? if the answer is yes then go for it. If you have small breasts like me you might need to ferret around a bit, but some really good shops are Debenhams and Ann Summers (they do nice underwear that isn’t all fetish so don’t discount them).

From Ann Summers:

From Adore Moi – Debenhams:


So, I’m 10 months into beating anorexia and I have to say I’m feeling positive. I’m still on a body confidence high from friday night, so I’m feeling good about myself. I’d still like slightly bigger breasts to be more curvaceous, and to muscle up mu arms a bit and I still need to come to terms with my thighs and sort out my posture, but it’s nothing a little excercise or a decent push up bra (every now and then) can’t fix.

In terms of food, I enjoy it. I like it. I can taste flavours and textures and I’m beginning to distinguish between them and actually get some favourite meals. I’m still cooking, last night me and my partner cooked a coconut cake…the coconut icing failed and yellow food dye is a bad idea…but we mixed up some pink butter icing and saved it 🙂 I’m not an organic health freak anymore either. As well as not eating, when I did used to eat I would be convinced that chocolate was bad and I could only eat muesli bars and fruit…I also considered going vegetarian for a while and my Mum put refused to cook me vegetarian food because she knew I wasn’t eating right and as a vegetarian I would be even less healthy.

But all in all I feel good about myself. I feel more confident. I went out and bought some bright red lipstick the other day (It’s actually more purple-y because the bright red was a little too much for me too handle but it’s still the same thing) which is something I’ve wanted to do but never had the confidence to wear.

Hopefully this will continue, I’m still not ‘cured’ and I know in a few weeks I will probably be stressing out, comfort eating, feeling crap and just generally not being well…but at this moment in time I feel good. And I just thought I’d share it because I’m quite proud of it.


Me and My Body – Red vs. Blond/Big Breasts vs. Small Breasts

NB: If you are a blond/brunette/black haired person or if you are big breasted please do not be insulted by the following post as it is not my meant to be. It is just me saying what I found on Google. I love people with other colour hair and larger breasts and I’m sure you are lovely too, this was just me being very blunt to build up some self-esteem for myself as I feel very threatened by people who are the stereotype of sexy or more well endowed than me. I am just trying to build myself up so I can recover. Many Thanks


So…as you all probably know I am not comfortable with my body. Lately it’s got worse. So I went a-Googling to try and build some self esteem.

Firstly…I’m a red head/Ginger/Carrot Top/Oh No Her Head Is On Fire/Freckle Face which means for most people I am a no no in terms of attraction…so I looked up ‘Hot Red Heads’

Google did not say “There are no results that match your search”…instead it came up with “About 1,370,000 results (0.35 seconds)”…that’s a lot of Red in half a second. Some pictures were captioned with: “Redheads – Do we need any other colour?” and “Redhead – Epic Sexiness Personified”.

If you google “hot blonds” you get 2,780,000 versions of this:

If you google “hot red heads” you get this sort of thing:

Yes there are the obvious one’s of red’s in their underwear…but we don’t look nearly half as slutty and sleazy as blonde’s. So what this says about me is:

  • I am a rare breed which makes me more unique
  • Red hair is described as a ‘red flag to a bull’ and is a colour associated with passion and fire so it gets guys interested
  • I can be sexy without be slutty
  • And i’m more dignified
My next problem is breast size. I’m tiny. Like tiny with a capital T. So I googled big breasts and little breasts and compared.
Some one else (unsurprisingly) was doing the same debate of big vs. little. I have to say small suits her better, the big makes her look out of proportion and the majority of guys would want her for her tits…sadly.
I wandered round various Google debates and foun it from many different sides…man/woman/girl who wants implants/guy who doesn’t understand the  fuss and this was the general concencous
  • Guys do not like implants as they are harder than natural
  • From a guys point of view it depends on if they are in proportion i.e. size 4 with DD’s bad, size 12 with DD good
  • They really don’t mind as much as they are made out to, yes they have an opinion, but it isn’t the be all and end all of physical attraction
My Bonsai Breasts is an article I found about a woman with tiny breasts and her epiphany years later about how it doesn’t really matter what size they are and to learn to love them.
007 Breasts despite the name this is not a site of beautiful Bond Girl style breasts…it is just normal people and their breasts, from completely flat to E Cups + it is just women and their normal breasts, whether their droopy, perky, have huge or inverted nipples, massive areolas (the circle around the nipple) they’re all here. They come here and write their stories and show what they have, and it’s all 100% home grown goodness. In  The Normal Breast Gallery there are hundreds of women, and looking through the images and stories made me feel better about what I have and let me know I am ‘normal’ as normal covers everyone without surgically enhanced breasts.
I am a red head and my partner loves me for it, I am not an ugly carrot top.
I have small breasts and I don’t have to feel ashamed to admit it because this is me and I am what I am.
So if you are at a stage like me of coming to terms with yourself…the mantra I literally just came up with to repeat to yourself is:
This is me and I am what I am

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