An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 6’ Category

Here We Go Again…Welcome To The Edge…

So I’m meant to be at school but I’m home ill.

I’ve been finding it harder than normal to get out of bed and get moving every morning, I’ve been getting later and later everyday and have less motivation each time. I NEED a break, I ran out of steam last Friday and I’ve been running on empty all week.

I missed two days last week being ill and having uni interviews so I had work to catch up on resulting in 7 essays to do for Friday and finding this out on Weds.

On Tuesday  I went into school and couldn’t read or write for a day as every time I looked down my head started spinning.

Yesterday I was stressed and today I woke up even more stressed.

It’s that time of month so I’m not 100% anyway. I’m stressed with all the essays. Worried about uni, will I get in? Will me and my partner be together or apart? If we’re apart how will we cope? If we’re apart will we fall apart like my friend and her partner are? How will I cope at uni with my illnesses?

So I have no lessons today and I spent the first lesson doing my first essay. I hadn’t had time to brush my teeth or put my makeup on that morning so I did that half way through. Finished and was still in a bad mood as I was now in pain from the period (I suffer badly). I felt deflated, exhausted, stressed, down and irritable. I was playing Angry Birds to chill for a bit then a girl who I’ll call M came along and intentionally jogged me even though she could see I was in a bad mood, so rather than being careful round me like everyone she pissed me off…smooth. Just for some background knowledge M is supposed to be one of my best friends best friend, but has been a right cow to her lately and she’s just generally annoying as she has been for the last two years as she’s very self centered and thinks the world of herself. A lot of my friends sing and they were standing there singing Queen songs and she was shouting at them to shut up, saying they were annoying and pissing me off, they’re enjoying themselves why should they shut up for a stupid bitch who doesn’t even like them and should really move if they’re that annoying but no, she’s the center of the world and too lazy to move.

I ended up telling her to shut up and she said “No I’m not, I’m not gonna shut up just because you’re in a bad mood”…well if you know i’m in a bad mood why are you pushing me? I ended up telling her what I thought of her, that’s she’s a bitch to my best friend and she was going on about “you have no idea what she’s said to me…you don’t know half the story to shut up…omg I can’t be bothered with this…stay out of other peoples business…etc etc”

When she went I ended up collapsing in tears on my partner, I’d had enough, I wanted to punch M and another girl, it was all too much but I couldn’t say this because I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling.

After about 10 mins I told him to go to his lesson as he needed to and I didn’t want him to get into trouble and I collapsed on my stuff. Two of my friends came over and looked after me, we ended up eating chocolate and talking about what food’s shouldn’t be tried, like chocolate bacon.

Still, everyone was annoying me. M is probably gonna moan to my best friend. My best friends may or may not get upset with me. My tutor will be pissed I didn’t turn up to her unscheduled lesson and give me a lecture. Another stupid girl is pissing me off. Little things that I normally ignore are all too much. I don’t know if I can stand going in tomorrow. I’ll do all I can to get my essays done. But I don’t know what will happen next. I expect when M finds out I went home she will attribute it to her wonderful arguing skills and say how lame and sad I am and pride herself on pissing me off. But right now I don’t give. I can’t. I haven’t got the energy. The holidays start in two days and I hope to start again afterwards.

C

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Weekly Weigh In

8 stone 9 pounds (+2 pounds)

At the moment I’m averaging about +1 pound a week, which is good as long as I can keep it on 🙂

C

At the opposite end of the scale…

I found this ad in my inbox, it was in French and when I translated it it sounded like a Spam advert, but then when I logged into my other blog (Pirkeavot) it was in English.

I read through it and decided to post it here as it sounds interesting:

100 pounds overweight, loaded up on steroids and suffering from a debilitating autoimmune disease, Joe Cross is at the end of his rope and the end of his hope. In the mirror he saw a 310lb man whose gut was bigger than a beach ball and a path laid out before him that wouldn’t end well- with one foot already in the grave, the other wasn’t far behind. FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD is an inspiring film that chronicles Joe’s personal mission to regain his health. With doctors and conventional medicines unable to help long- term, Joe turns to the only option left, the body’s ability to heal itself. He trades in the junk food and hits the road with juicer and generator in tow, vowing only to drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice for the next 60 days. Across 3,000 miles Joe has one goal in mind: To get off his pills and achieve a balanced lifestyle. While talking to more than 500 Americans about food, health and longevity, it’s at a truck stop in Arizona where Joe meets a truck driver who suffers from the same rare condition. Phil Staples is morbidly obese weighing in at 429 lbs; a cheeseburger away from a heart-attack. As Joe is recovering his health, Phil begins his own epic journey to get well. What emerges is nothing short of amazing – an inspiring tale of healing and human connection. Part road trip, part self-help manifesto, FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD defies the traditional documentary format to present an unconventional and uplifting story of two men from different worlds who each realize that the only person who can save them is themselves.

So, OK, it’s not about anorexia, but then to look at one side of the coin and ignore the other it just causing a whole new set of problems for people in the opposite situation. The website for the film is here: http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

I’ll defiantly be taking a look if I can and would advise everyone to do the same 🙂

Still no better…

I’ve gained weight…I’m healthier…I fight off infections faster…but sometimes it still seems I have so much further to go, and it gets harder to explain to some people what I mean…sometimes it seems no matter how many times I say it or in how many different ways it still doesn’t get through to you…

“So go out and party, like you’re not broken-hearted coz you’ll always just be stuck on repeat…”

~Repeat – David Guetta ft. Jessie J ~

*Sigh*

Nothing’s ever simple is it?

This always gives me hope…somehow…

Isabelle Caro

This is an article about Isabelle Caro, a model who fought her anorexia and how she used her own body to create controversial campaigns to raise awareness of the disease

Link to article:   —>    Isabelle Caro Article

(Belated) Weekly Weigh In

8 stone 7 pounds (+1 pound)

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