An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘hurt’

Sometimes…

Sometimes  forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.

I used to think anorexia was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m effectively killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.

I’m not living – I’m surviving.

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What works for me…

So one problem i have with anorexia is when begin to feel full i stop eating although i know i can keep going, but after years of habit i feel sick at the sight of food and can’t continue.

I often find it hard to do things for me, as in if i’m doing something solely for my benifit i often give up because over time i loose interest or it becomes to much, so like I said in my last post, I remembered how it would help my other half, if I can beat this I would never have to see his face falls when I refuse, I wouldn’t have to see the worry in his eyes as he begins to worry if this is going to lead to my death, I wouldn’t hurt him any more.

So to help I decided to draw a K on my thumb (K being the first letter of my partners name) in the hopes that this might help, so that when I begin to give up, I can look at it and be reminded why I am doing this.

C

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