So…me and my partner GOT INTO OUR FIRST CHOICE UNIVERSITY!!! so we’re going to uni in wales together 😀 I got AABC and my partner got BCC so we’re happy 🙂
Very happy. Now we just have to shop/pack…which will be interesting since I struggle to pack everything for a 2 week summer holiday…so packing for 10 months away from home will be…erm…exciting?
I have also had my anti-depressants upped from 10mg to 28mg so we’ll see how that goes. I took a depression test while at the doctors and before going on the pills I had a score of 27 and now I’m down to about 17 😀 so I’m getting better slowly.
I weigh 9 stone 5 pounds (+3 pounds) I’m still not confident about my breasts but I’m learning to love the rest of me, and my acne is disappearing 🙂
So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.
The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.
I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.
So this is me for the next week.
If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say
I may have already mentioned this but I suffer from bipolar disorder and SAD (seasonal affection disorder) which gets especially bad at winter. Currently I feel dead. I have no energy to do anything, I can’t decide if I want to go on holiday next year because I’m too tired to think that far, when I say tired I mean emotionally and mentally exhausted. I don’t know if I’ll be well enough by then. I’m exhausted, it feels like my brain is dead and I just want to curl up in my bed, shut the world out and stop. Stop feeling stop living (not as in die, just stop doing things) just stop and let the depression in. Basically mourn the loss of happiness. I want to be alone but I know that’s lethal and deep down I don’t want that at all. I’m just getting in with things to stop depression winning. I can’t think I juts keep going to get stuff done because if I stop life will just carry on without me.