An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Off to the land of sheep…and Weekly Weigh In

So…me and my partner GOT INTO OUR FIRST CHOICE UNIVERSITY!!! so we’re going to uni in wales together ­čśÇ I got AABC and my partner got BCC so we’re happy ­čÖé

Very happy. Now we just have to shop/pack…which will be interesting since I struggle to pack everything for a 2 week summer holiday…so packing for 10 months away from home will be…erm…exciting?

I have also had my anti-depressants upped from 10mg to 28mg so we’ll see how that goes. I took a depression test while at the doctors and before going on the pills I had a score of 27 and now I’m down to about 17 ­čśÇ so I’m getting better slowly.

I weigh 9 stone 5 pounds (+3 pounds) I’m still not confident about my breasts but I’m learning to love the rest of me, and my acne is disappearing ­čÖé

C

Antidepressant Update & Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 4 pounds (+2 pounds in 5 weeks)

I’m not sure if my antidepressants are a good or bad thing. I don’t get as badly depressed as often…but I tend to be┬ásubconsciously┬ádepressed a lot. The drugs make me happy and cover up the fact I’m depressed, but this just makes me feel like I’m walking around with a smiley face mask on. The clues tend to be I can’t be bothered to look after myself (don’t want to shower/do my hair/do my makeup/cook), I have no interest in anything I do, I have a very short attention span and I feel strange.

My partners step mum said the one’s I’m on are good and are one of the best out of all the different types.

It got really bad last night though. Me and my partner were out with friends, we’d been to the cinema and gone to the pub and I was the only girl, they were all talking about things I had no idea about and when I had something to add I tended not to be heard which made me feel a bit crap. I didn’t want to go home because I couldn’t be bothered to cook, and I’d seen a nice new restaurant I wanted to try. The fact I felt crap and I didn’t want to cook probably meant I was already depressed but couldn’t feel it because of the drugs, so going out was not a good idea as the stress of having to look happy in public makes me tired and makes the mental crash more imminent. So it didn’t get bad until the food turned up. It was a bit spicy but after 10 minutes the spiciness was too much. I didn’t want to eat it so I lost interest and felt full up. I felt down. Then I could literally feel the energy draining out of me, I felt more and more lifeless until I no longer wanted to talk or move. The crash happened so fast my partner couldn’t stop me, I ended up sitting in a restaurant with a look in my eyes that my partner says makes me look┬ácompletely┬áempty. My partner was worried about me. I had no energy and we had to cycle home. The whole evening died as I did and my partner got depressed because I was depressed and he couldn’t help me.

We’ve decided to keep on the tablets till the end of the month as the first month is the worst, so hopefully it will get better in time. I also need to not push myself socially, if I can feel I’m not happy, don’t try and do more public things that make me feel obliged to be happy.

Body and Mind

So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.

The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.

I’ve also realized I’ve been┬ásubconsciously┬ádepressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.

So this is me for the next week.

If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say

C

Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants.┬áMy moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I┬áoriginally┬ásaid I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click┬áhere)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and┬ápotentially┬áloose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted ­čÖé
C

Welcoming in the Winter Blues

I may have already mentioned this but I suffer from bipolar disorder and SAD (seasonal affection disorder) which gets especially bad at winter. Currently I feel dead. I have no energy to do anything, I can’t decide if I want to go on holiday next year because I’m too tired to think that far, when I say tired I mean emotionally and mentally exhausted. I don’t know if I’ll be well enough by then. I’m exhausted, it feels like my brain is dead and I just want to curl up in my bed, shut the world out and stop. Stop feeling stop living (not as in die, just stop doing things) just stop and let the depression in. Basically mourn the loss of happiness. I want to be alone but I know that’s lethal and deep down I don’t want that at all. I’m just getting in with things to stop depression winning. I can’t think I juts keep going to get stuff done because if I stop life will just carry on without me.
C

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