An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 8’ Category

My New Idols and How I’m Going To Boost My Self-Confidence :) Part 1

I realized my biggest cause of my self esteem is because I’m still subconsciously idolizing mannequins which aren’t shaped like real people, they’re based on real people…but should come with a health warning to let you know you’re not supposed to look like this…as I’ve spent years thinking my hips, thighs and stomach were too big, my boobs were too small, my hair wasn’t glossy enough, my posture wasn’t right and my legs weren’t long enough.

Warning: I'm faker than Katie Price

So with encouragement from my partner we devised a plan:

  • New idols
  • I have to complement myself on one physical aspect of mine a day
  • I have to praise myself when I do things good/right and tell my partner 10 things I praised myself for
  • To be more committed to exercise…
So I went in search of a body to idolize…I don’t really like celeb culture and they all screw up at some point so that’s a no no…modelling is a minefield…so I Googled “Good bodies” and after some searching I found this:
Ooh look…real women…real bodies…real proportions…so far so good. This then led me a section of Glamour Magazine’s website where they are celebrating real women’s bodies and super models who aren’t super thin. The first thing I found was a section from the magazine’s editor: On the C.L.: Are You Ready to Start a Body Image Revolution? Oh, Wait–You Already Did! saying how after the amazing responses they got back from Lizzie Miller being included in one issue of Glamour Magazine they will try and put a bigger variation of body sizes in the magazine…so more normal women. The article about the picture was called Supermodels Who Aren’t Superthin: Meet the Women Who Proudly Bared it All I took the images and women’s stories from here to make my own Inspiration Posters which I’m gonna stick by my mirror, so whenever I look in the mirror and feel dissatisfied I can look at them and feel better:
Feel Free to use if you want 🙂 I then read These Bodies are Beautiful at Every Size which is about how the people’s desire for magazines is changing, people don’t want waif thin models, they want real beauties, British Vogue editor Alexander Shulman personally wrote to big fashion brands asking them to provide bigger sample clothes at fashion shoots, rather than clothes for size 0-4, give them bigger sizes so they can use bigger models and models don’t have to try and fit the clothes rather than vice-versa, it also outlines Glamour Magazine’s new revised proposal which includes frequently larger models. The image that started this all off was this:
The majority of replies that flooded the magazine were supporting her, saying how beautiful and inspirational she was…but some people said she was promoting obesity…SHE’S A SIZE 12!!!! HOW IS SHE IN ANYWAY OBESE?? OBESE!!!!!
but here’s the accompanying article about the storm it started: On the C.L.: The Picture You Can’t Stop Talking About: Meet “the Woman on p. 194”

Sick of it all…

Before people start saying I’m an attention seeker – this is my Facebook and I’ll say what I like, you decided to friend me so shut up and take it
I’m sick of people being with me then turning against me
I’m sick of people changing stories
I’m sick of people not telling the whole story
I’m sick of people not admitting what they did wrong and acting all self-righteous
I’m sick of people not letting go, moving on and forgiving
I’m sick of people shit stirring
I’m sick of people who are blind and don’t help
I’m sick of people who are manipulative
I’m sick of people who expect others to know what they want/mean without saying any thing
I’m sick of people thinking only about themselves
I’m sick of people who are meant to be authoritative being more immature than me
I’m sick of people who don’t take the time to understand
I’m sick of people who don’t listen
I’m sick of people who refuse to accept the truth

So let me know when you’ve grown up and learnt how to talk about things like an Adult

I’m A Barbie Girl

Barbie proportions:

And down again…

So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.

  1. I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:

Taken off celebritystomach.com...really not helping me...

I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in every way and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.

2. I have really bad delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.

          3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without  crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back  due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.

          4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up… admittedly the writer is befriending the disease rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?

         5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered worshiping nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born Christianity has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still worshiping God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…

So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke

Fun

Always look on the bright side of life…

The upside of a shit:

I may be eligible for DSA’s (Disabled Student Allowance) for uni funding, I can get up to £1,700 because of my mental illnesses

I’m on new medication for hormone problems which should help alleviate the mood swings

As I have no proffesional help until I’m 18 because of stupid rules I’m turning to alternative medicine a.s.a.p. which should help so I’ll keep you posted

P.S. Sorry for being so pissy and depressing at the moment

P.P.S. I need to stop apologizing for everything

P.P.P.S. Sorry for being sorry

Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 1 (+ 2 pounds)

Mini Update

So I have literally just got back from swimming and here is my news:

Despite being in a bikini I didn’t get self-conscious at all 🙂

So hopefully this is a step in the right direction

C

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