An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 11’ Category

Me, My Body and I

I’m expecting my self confidence and new found “I look ok” to crash soon.

My breasts are becoming wonky.

The left one is becoming  significantly larger and the right one is lower.

Great.

Just what I need.

Also I don’t enjoy food anymore. I’m just not interested. Which means I’m going backwards. It might be a side affect of the anti depressants as they can make you loose your appetite.

This is not what I want or need. I was just starting to go somewhere. And now I seem to have turned around and run the other way.

Fabulous.

Antidepressant Update & Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 4 pounds (+2 pounds in 5 weeks)

I’m not sure if my antidepressants are a good or bad thing. I don’t get as badly depressed as often…but I tend to be subconsciously depressed a lot. The drugs make me happy and cover up the fact I’m depressed, but this just makes me feel like I’m walking around with a smiley face mask on. The clues tend to be I can’t be bothered to look after myself (don’t want to shower/do my hair/do my makeup/cook), I have no interest in anything I do, I have a very short attention span and I feel strange.

My partners step mum said the one’s I’m on are good and are one of the best out of all the different types.

It got really bad last night though. Me and my partner were out with friends, we’d been to the cinema and gone to the pub and I was the only girl, they were all talking about things I had no idea about and when I had something to add I tended not to be heard which made me feel a bit crap. I didn’t want to go home because I couldn’t be bothered to cook, and I’d seen a nice new restaurant I wanted to try. The fact I felt crap and I didn’t want to cook probably meant I was already depressed but couldn’t feel it because of the drugs, so going out was not a good idea as the stress of having to look happy in public makes me tired and makes the mental crash more imminent. So it didn’t get bad until the food turned up. It was a bit spicy but after 10 minutes the spiciness was too much. I didn’t want to eat it so I lost interest and felt full up. I felt down. Then I could literally feel the energy draining out of me, I felt more and more lifeless until I no longer wanted to talk or move. The crash happened so fast my partner couldn’t stop me, I ended up sitting in a restaurant with a look in my eyes that my partner says makes me look completely empty. My partner was worried about me. I had no energy and we had to cycle home. The whole evening died as I did and my partner got depressed because I was depressed and he couldn’t help me.

We’ve decided to keep on the tablets till the end of the month as the first month is the worst, so hopefully it will get better in time. I also need to not push myself socially, if I can feel I’m not happy, don’t try and do more public things that make me feel obliged to be happy.

Thanks to my readers

Wow over 1000 views in a month, thanks guys it means a lot 😀
C

Body and Mind

So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.

The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.

I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.

So this is me for the next week.

If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say

C

Anti-depressants and Body Image

So I’ve been on them for 5 days now, and I’ve been fine and feeling happy.

But today I’ve got a headache and now feel depressed and don’t like my self. My acne is still here. Where I’m growing I’ve got stretch marks. I’m out of proportion because my hips are growing and my chest isn’t. I just feel horrible.

I know I don’t write specifically about my anorexia much anymore. but that’s because it’s more mental now. It’s about my relationship with food, how I see my self and how my other mental illnesses affect it.

So it’s still The Anorexia Diary…just the next stage.

Here’s a link to a programme that was shown in BBC 4 yesterday called Girl Model about girls who are taken to be models in Japan, and the shocking truth about the modelling industry. The girls are skinnier than I’ve ever been and most of them are between 11-16. It’s very eye opening and well worth the watch.

C

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