An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 10’ Category

Categorizing Overhaul

OK so, on the right hand side of my blog you can see the various months. A month used to go from the 1st of every month to the end, but as my blog started 21/08/2011 a month now goes from the 21st to the next 21st which is a more accurate way of categorizing my posts and a more accurate system. Just so’s ya know


Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂

Anorexic woman to be fed against her will

It’s an interesting article and it looks at the moral side of the illness as well, if you want to read it click here

Breast Implants

What are your views?

I’m considering considering it. My partner says he’ll support me in whatever I do and just wants me to be self confident. I obviously wouldn’t do it anytime soon as I don’t have the money and I’m too young to realistically have it done.


  1. I’ll be curvy
  2. I’ll have some more self confidence
  3. I won’t feel intimidated by other women


  1. I might feel like a fake
  2. They might feel hard or sit funny
  3. Could feel like they’re too ‘confronting’

So why do I want them? Well I’m an almost A and women in my family aren’t big and women in my family get smaller every generation so there’s no chance of me getting very big. I’d like to be a C, just so I’m more curvy. The surgeons tend to do you by a minimum of two sizes anyway and A-B is not that much different. I want to be more like Marilyn Monroe than Kate Moss. But I’m worried I’ll be a fake, and that I should come to terms with myself rather than change it. But if it’s for self-confidence then that’s ok right?

What’s your opinion? Please give me a message below to let me know your views


P.S. sorry for the extended silence, I’m in the middle of exam period at the moment but expect and update mid-next week 🙂


Exam stress is REALLY starting to set in now

Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 2 pounds (+1 pound)

and I feel like shit and hate myself again 😦

Easy for you to say…

Allergies…woo hoo

Woken up with 6 gnat bites that itch like mad…summer is officially here


So, I went out and I bought some concealer and I’ve been wearing it for the past few days. It’s surprisingly easy to put on, I just put on a thin layer to take away the horrible redness, not to cover it up and it does the trick well. Just squeeze it out, rub it on your face and I use a big thick foundation brush to blend it in to prevent any lines or blotches.

The one that I have is Lancome Paris Effacernes Longue Tenue (Long Lasting Softening Concealer) in shade 01. It cost about £20 for 15ml (!!!) but it works well and blends in so you don’t notice it.

If you look in the top right hand corner of the bottle you can see how much has been used in 3 days…it’s not really a lot but then I only put a 1 thin layer on and it would probably go down a lot faster if I did thicker layers.

Here are some before and after pictures of me:



So not a phenomenal amazing change…just enough to kind of bleach the redness out of them which is what I wanted, and it doesn’t show which is a bonus. I put it around the sides of my face, my forehead and chin as these are the worst effected areas.

Depending on how long this one lasts I will either buy it again or try to find a cheaper option. I asked the lady at the Lancome counter in Boots to find the right shade for me as I like the Lancome ladies…and it was free which was a bonus.

Because I’ve got the concealer on I can’t touch or scratch my face because I’d scratch it off…and my spots are starting to go down which is good :).

And finally, here’s some advice from some other readers who know what they’re talking about 🙂

Try mineral make up – it won’t clog your pores and the assistant at the counter will find the perfect match for your skin. Some mineral make up is expensive (the brand I use charges about £20 for a foundation pot but the powder has lasted me over a year) but they are worth it.

Also wash your skin at night to remove make up, use a moisturiser with no added chemicals and don’t wash with soap! Cold creams/sensitive skin cleansers are the best to remove make up/oil/etc from your face.

Good luck!

~From Sissy~


 …Actually, I had suffer from acne too and still has been from time to time, but lately, I don’t have acne except for few scars that are left. You wouldn’t really turn orange or something as long as you find the right shade of foundation and concealer. You will get cakey though sometimes, but that is because of the weather, but you can fix it up by applying a good moisturizer first so you will have a smooth skin to work with, so the build-up will not get visible once you put your foundation. Back before, I used foundation and concealer because of my sever acne. But, I realized that if i keep putting foundation and concealer, I will just triggering the break out and will get worse, so I give my face a rest. I went bare face for a week, and felt really really bad, buut then I embraced my face regardless of it. I tend to get shy though, very! Then from a week turned to a month and now, my breakout calmed down and stopped. I don’t use make up anymore, except on special occassions, but I use concealer sometimes only to cover under eyebags but not putting on my pimple. I regularly wash my face too, twice a day but with no soap.
Good luck and stay beautiful :)
~From The Blogger ~

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