An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 5’ Category

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

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The Truth About Mental Health

Been feeling quite upset and irritated to people’s stigma and ignorance of mental health and these made me feel better:

This talks about most types of mental health in detail, you made need to scroll a bit if you’re looking for one particular thing

http://mississippi-spi.blogspot.com/2011/03/schizophrenia-and-mental-disorders-what.html

New TV ad:

The Joys of Exams

So I just two retakes in two days and the amount of revision has given me eye strain ūüė¶

I have also recently started comfort eating which is a very¬†weird¬†concept for me…I never comfort eat but I have struck up a very close relationship with chocolate right now…hopefully this will be beneficial to me ūüôā

Weekly Weigh In

8 stone 5 pounds (+2 pounds)

Just to say…

Hey guys,

Just a quick not to say thanks for all the likes/subscriptions/views, it really means a lot and I hope I can continue to keep you interested ūüôā

C x

My Big Come Back

After a few months of silence I’m gonna try and write more¬†regularly, preferable once a week at least about how the¬†anorexia¬†is going, how I’m coping etc.

So the big news is I’ve succesfully managed to stay above 8 stone for about two months and for about two to four weeks I was 8stone6 which is the heaviest I’ve ever been, at the moment I’ve dropped to 8stone3 and although I was dissapointed my partner pointed out I’m still above 8stone which means I’m doing really well ūüôā

 

I’ve had a few moments where I feel out of proportion/ugly/fat and have sat down with my partner who has tirelessly talked through everything with me. My main issues are:

1) My stomach is out of proportion with my breasts because my stomach sticks out a bit further than my breasts

My partner pointed out I’m not and he prefers me with more fat on me because when he met me (10 months ago) he was¬†genuinely¬†frightened by how skinny I was. He also said if it bothers me that much he will do muscle toning¬†exercises¬†with me if it bothers me that much but he likes me as I am. (He’d do them with me to make sure I’m not over doing it because the last time I did exercises I was eating less and exercising¬†ridiculously¬†which meant I was burning off more than I was putting in, although I’m eating more he still wants to make sure I’m not doing it wrong or too much so I don’t undo the work I’ve done or start going backwards)

2) My backside is out of proportion

It isn’t as my partner points out, I’m just being over¬†judgmental¬†and¬†actually¬†have an ass rather than most girls who have nothing there at all

3) My thighs are huge

They aren’t, I just have thighs unlike most girls, I have CURVES not tree trunks lol

4) I’m ugly

My partner just says “You’re beautiful just the way you are and you should try and see it”

 

I’ve lately been feeling low, which is causing me some problems as I don’t understand why but I’m just working through each day as it comes and hoping I realize why.

 

I have started seeing a lady as CAMHS (a local mental health service) but after a promising start it’s a dead end. All that happens is I sit in a room with my partner, mother and the lady for an hour and tell her about my life, this lasts about 40 minutes and them I’m stuck sitting there for 20 minutes like a lemon with no one having anything to say, it’s not helping it’s just wasting my time and although my mum has hinted we could try to do things to the lady, nothing ever changes. I contacted I local therapist/psychologist who said she doesn’t work with people under 18 so I have no help at the moment, I asked people on RecoverYourLife.com who suggested I ask Connextions or ask CAMHS if I can see any one else.

Over the Christmas period I went and spent a week with my¬†partner’s¬†dad, step-mum and step-sister and his step-mum (T) use to have¬†anorexia, she told me when she started beating it she was ‘out of proportion’ like me and said it’s because when you start eating more, your body turns it in to fat to save it up whilst its getting more, but over time as you continue the increased food intake your stomach will reduce and you’ll fill out all over. So over time I should become normal again…or go overboard and my body turns out to be a suppressed Katie Price lmao…I damn sure hope not ūüėČ

Just as something to leave you with, here are two picture of me, one from the prom June 2010 (purple dress) and the other from the prom December 2011 (red dress) so you can see the difference:

2010

2011

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