An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

It can be done

Anorexia

The picture on the left was taken October 2011 and I’m 7 stone 7 and anorexic

The picture on the right was taken March 2013 and I’m 9 stone 5

 

So…

So I’m skint
And back to eating microwave ready meals/soup and/or toast.
I’m very mentally ill at the moment and I realized the other day I don’t feel anymore, I don’t laugh anymore, it’s like there’s a wall inside me between me and emotions.
I just need to get through this week, get my projects done then get home to my parents and it’s three weeks at home with my family for Christmas 🙂
I’m looking at next year as a new start. A chance to try again. To look at this term and where I messed up and improve on it.
I’ll be less stressed, I’ll manage my time better, I’ll enjoy myself more, I’ll start on projects when I get set them and not a few weeks later so I end up with a backlog, I’ll eat healthier, I’ll manage my money better and I’ll go to the gym at least once a week.

Where are you???

So I’ve disappeared off the internet for months…about that…school work is falling out of my ears and it was a case of there was either nothing to write about or not enough time to write it. I’m gonna try and start writing again, it’ll probably all be via mobile as it’s quicker and easier and I can update anywhere so there may be a lack of images, but then again you can’t have it all so hey ho.

So over the last few months I’ve been made one of two student reprepresentatives for my course year group. Uni is a definate step up in terms of work and standard. I’ve had a lot of stress breakdowns and cried on my partners shoulder a lot.
I’m still the same weight and eating well, although last week I couldn’t stop eating and this week I have to force myself to eat. I’m also having to reset my body clock, because I’ve been snacking so much lately I don’t eat a proper full meal in the evening, I eat barely half so I’m having to train myself not to rely on snacks. It means I get hungry late at night a lot but it’ll be worth it.
Me and my partner are a bit skint at the moment so that’s stress, my post isn’t arriving, the DSA havent given me most of the equipment I need and I need it now…so it’s lots of little things meaning I’m very stressed at the moment.
I also wanted to get all my family and friends really nice Christmas presents…but that’s not looking likely at the moment :-/

So in essence I’m now officially a student 😛

Don’t hate you

What happened to society? Why can’t we still be like this?

Not. Even. Funny

So…I managed to get rid of the bladder infection…then four days later it came back. I’m now dosed up on pain killers, antibiotics and barely able to walk because of the pain.

This is now the 7th time in 14 months I’ve had it so I need tests and scans done to see why it’s happening. -_-

So no gym for me…still…

So yesterday as I was getting ready for bed I realized I’m comfortable with my body.

I don’t feel I want implants anymore to balance my self out. This is my body, and I quite like it 🙂

If I want to make myself more ‘balanced’ in tight tops I can just put on a push up bra…solved. I don’t need surgery to feel good anymore 🙂

As far as my journey from anorexia goes this is a major break through for me, I’ve never been able to look in the mirror and like what I see. And I’ve realized there’s nothing wrong with liking what you see. It’s not vain, it’s not big-headed, it’s right. Everyone has a choice, to either look in the mirror and see yourself every morning or to look in the mirror and spend every morning getting down over your figure, over what’s wrong with it. You’re going to have this body for your whole life, you may as well get used to it 🙂

And it’s all down to my partner, his love of my body, his determination to get me to see it the way he does. Congratulating me when I manage to say I look good and making me stand in front of the mirror and really look  at myself when I think I’m ugly. Him making me eat, accepting my faults and never giving up on me when times were bad, when I’m stubborn and infuriating and accepting me, warts and all. Thank you K, I love you and owe you so much xxxoooxxx

C

And another bad start…

So I went to the gym for the first time on Wednesday, but then soon after I got freshers flu and a bladder infection so I haven’t been able to go since.

I didn’t go to Pilates on Wednesday as I’d planned because we were running late so we just went to the gym bit of the gym 😛 I basically had an hour of induction onto the machines but I now have a weekly plan and in two weeks the guy said I’m to try the weights with the bi bar between them rather than the little hand weights.

So the machines basically focus on arms, legs and upper body muscles as I said I wanted to work on my arms and he said I’d need to work on the whole of my body or I’ll end up with some toned bits and some ‘flabby’ bits 😛 So I warm up either on the running machine or with weights – making sure all of my body is worked from legs to my neck – then I work my way round the machines which each individually work different body parts-back, top arm, bottom arm, forearm, bicep, legs, bum etc- before warming down by stretching.

I’m on antibiotics now so I should be better in about 3 days so I’ll miss another session but might go on Tuesday just to get back into it before Pilates on Wednesday 🙂

C

Gym time :)

So I still suck at doing my exercises…but in half an hour I’m heading over the road to join the gym 🙂 so now I’m paying for it I’ll HAVE to go 😛 The plan is to do Yoga on a Monday, A Pilates/Aerobics biweekly rotation every Wednesday and Zumba on a Friday 🙂 So I’ll let you know how it’s all going

I’m also going to see if I can get my anti-depressants upped to 40mg as I’m struggling with anxiety and depression and as the winter months close in things are only going to get tougher.

I also have a lovely friendship group who are looking after me and my partner 🙂

C

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