An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘uni’

So…

So I’m skint
And back to eating microwave ready meals/soup and/or toast.
I’m very mentally ill at the moment and I realized the other day I don’t feel anymore, I don’t laugh anymore, it’s like there’s a wall inside me between me and emotions.
I just need to get through this week, get my projects done then get home to my parents and it’s three weeks at home with my family for Christmas šŸ™‚
I’m looking at next year as a new start. A chance to try again. To look at this term and where I messed up and improve on it.
I’ll be less stressed, I’ll manage my time better, I’ll enjoy myself more, I’ll start on projects when I get set them and not a few weeks later so I end up with a backlog, I’ll eat healthier, I’ll manage my money better and I’ll go to the gym at least once a week.

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Where are you???

So I’ve disappeared off the internet for months…about that…school work is falling out of my ears and it was a case of there was either nothing to write about or not enough time to write it. I’m gonna try and start writing again, it’ll probably all be via mobile as it’s quicker and easier and I can update anywhere so there may be a lack of images, but then again you can’t have it all so hey ho.

So over the last few months I’ve been made one of two student reprepresentatives for my course year group. Uni is a definate step up in terms of work and standard. I’ve had a lot of stress breakdowns and cried on my partners shoulder a lot.
I’m still the same weight and eating well, although last week I couldn’t stop eating and this week I have to force myself to eat. I’m also having to reset my body clock, because I’ve been snacking so much lately I don’t eat a proper full meal in the evening, I eat barely half so I’m having to train myself not to rely on snacks. It means I get hungry late at night a lot but it’ll be worth it.
Me and my partner are a bit skint at the moment so that’s stress, my post isn’t arriving, the DSA havent given me most of the equipment I need and I need it now…so it’s lots of little things meaning I’m very stressed at the moment.
I also wanted to get all my family and friends really nice Christmas presents…but that’s not looking likely at the moment :-/

So in essence I’m now officially a student šŸ˜›

So…

Well the good news is I’m all settled in now šŸ™‚

The bad news is I’ve lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks :/

It’s been hectic to say the least, I got set my first project on Monday which I had three days to complete, a fashion shoot on Friday and clothes into store next week (I’m doing Fashion Design if I haven’t previously said)

I’ve also started to become the person I’ve always wanted to be but always been to afraid to be. I’ve dyed my hair black and white and had my nose pierced.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how have I been doing with my Ā 10 goals?

  1. I’ve been eating regularly andĀ healthilyĀ  I’ve only missed about 2 meals since being here and that was because I forgot to prepare for them, but I’ve also learnt to cook šŸ˜€ I’ve cooked a bacon and cheese pasta bake andĀ spaghettiĀ bolognaise šŸ™‚ I did take 2 hours to cook a 40 minute meal but it turned out well so I don’t care šŸ˜›

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. I haven’t done myĀ exercisesĀ at all…but the lift is broken and I live on the 4th floor so I’ve been walking up 4 flights of stairs for the past few days šŸ˜› I do intend to start doing them as of tomorrow…so we’ll see how that goes lol

3. Ditto above

4. Joining a gym next week with my flat mate and a girl I met at a party šŸ™‚

5. Have not been cycling…will start at some point when I know what times/days I’m in uni

6. I still don’t like my bust, but I’m learning to live with it which I suppose is a start. I sometimes catch myself in the mirror and think I’m fat, then I go back and look again and realize I’m not which is good. And I have days where I think “I look good today” which is positive progress šŸ˜€

7. Haven’t found a climbing wall near me, but there is a swimming pool in the gym…however it’s been drained and is being sterilized at the moment because there was an infection in the water :/

8. My heart is better, I can also eat and drink pretty much like a normal person and I’m starting to like more alcoholic drinks. Ā haven’t measured myself which I need to do though.

9. Ā I’m surviving uni very well lol…Ā althoughĀ the sleep deprivation is taking a while to get used to šŸ˜›

10. I haven’t done very well at keeping writing, but that was mainly because in the first week there wasn’t a lot to tell you about, and then in the second week EVERYTHING happened and there was no time to write. So hopefully things will settle into a routine and I’ll be able to write more now šŸ™‚

C

Bad Week

School has taken over my life
I have no hobbies
Stressing
Frustrated at people
7 years of following the rules and now in the last few weeks I begin to slip and everyone is hounding me
Frustrated
Sad I have to leave all my friends and family in a few months to go to uni – this is the life i’ve always known and it’s about to end

just in a bad way

and the sun owes an apology for being WELL overdue
Story of my life at the moment

Always look on the bright side of life…

The upside of a shit:

I may beĀ eligibleĀ for DSA’s (Disabled Student Allowance) for uni funding, I can get up to Ā£1,700 because of my mental illnesses

I’m on new medication for hormone problems which should helpĀ alleviateĀ the mood swings

As I have no proffesional help until I’m 18 because of stupid rules I’m turning to alternative medicine a.s.a.p. which should help so I’ll keep you posted

P.S. Sorry for being so pissy and depressing at the moment

P.P.S. I need to stopĀ apologizingĀ for everything

P.P.P.S. Sorry for being sorry

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, ifĀ somethingĀ goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative andĀ practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

Update Post #2 – My bulimic friend(s)

Last I heard my close friend Ā is worse. It all started because a girl at her college is copying her. My friend is the popular one, and this other girl wants to be, so she began to copy my friend and to bitch really badly behind her back to try and make people think my friend is lesser. Most people think the other girl is aĀ douche, but when my friend found out what was said she began to think something was wrong with her and began throwing up. She was doing really well and didn’t throw up for a day, then she heard the other girl had been bitching again and started throwing again. She also says she eats when she isn’t hungry, she just eats…she isn’t fat…but she is always eating…even when she isn’t hungry. She no longer see’s food as food, but rather as calories. SheĀ hasĀ a sudden desire to be the girl that when she walks into parties, everyone says how fantastic she looks…but last time she went to a party all she’d eaten that day was an apple and some paracetamol and she ended upĀ paralytic…

Friend two finds eating is the only thing that makes her happy. She can’t go to school because her schizophrenia is so bad she can’t focus so she won’t get good grades. She can’t go toĀ collegeĀ becauseĀ thereĀ is nothing to study, she can’t go to uni because she doesn’t have the grades, she can’t go to work because she’s too ill to sustain a job. She feels like her life is going no where. She eats to make herself happy, but then she wants to throw it up but because her Dad is now working at home to keep an eye on her, she can’t throw up which makes her feel ugly and dirty.

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