An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘ugly’

Hooray for Acne

So lately I’ve been suffering really badly with my acne. It doesn’t show in the other pictures because I either Photoshop myself or it wasn’t visible then. It’s stress related and with exams looming, low self-esteem, family problems and feeling like I fail my partner (I go through periods of time when I don’t feel good enough which is nothing to do with how he treats me, it’s just my mental psyche at the time) as well as other problems my acne has come back with vengance.

Which is making me feel ugly because it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I know it will go away but because it’s there it makes me stress about it…which means it gets worse…so I get more stressed etc

So I was browsing on the internet and I found a video of a girl who also has bouts of acne like me and she uses this concealer to hide it. I watched her put it on and even just a thin layer of it on her face hid all the spots and just left a bit of redness. Wow. Thing is…I’m very against foundation for several reasons:

    • it feels like face paint
    • it can make your spots worse
    • it takes ages to put on
    • powder gets all over everything
    • I don’t want to end up like this(my partner says he’ll stop me before I end up looking like this lol):
  • I don’t want to go orange or have weird looking skin
  • I don’t want to end up like the girls with horrific foundation lines and foundation on so thick it actually starts to clump on their faces

But with my self esteem falling fast and with my partner’s support-the spots don’t bother him, he just wants me to feel more confident-I’m off today to see what I can find. I want something light, that works, that wont clog my pores or stop my skin breathing and covers the spots quickly and effectively and doesn’t cost stupid amounts of money. It also has to mach my skin down to a T. I’m not gonna buy something that feels like face paint, makes the spots worse and makes me look a funny colour. End of.

I also think I look too masculine. My face shape is horrible. I’m a weird shape. My boobs are too small. My legs are horrible. I can’t stand the sight of my self at the moment so I’m doing my makeup not actually looking at me, just looking at what I’m doing. So rather than just walking round feeling like crap I’m going to try and combat this as once exams are over I’ll chill and my spots will go. This is just a cover up because I’d rather be able to just focus on my exams than worry about how I look all the time.

Here’s the girl with the awesome concealer (MAC Pro-longwear concealer NW20):

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And down again…

So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.

  1. I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:

Taken off celebritystomach.com...really not helping me...

I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in every way and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.

2. I have really bad delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.

          3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without  crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back  due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.

          4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up… admittedly the writer is befriending the disease rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?

         5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered worshiping nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born Christianity has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still worshiping God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…

So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke

Fun

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

Update Post #2 – My bulimic friend(s)

Last I heard my close friend  is worse. It all started because a girl at her college is copying her. My friend is the popular one, and this other girl wants to be, so she began to copy my friend and to bitch really badly behind her back to try and make people think my friend is lesser. Most people think the other girl is a douche, but when my friend found out what was said she began to think something was wrong with her and began throwing up. She was doing really well and didn’t throw up for a day, then she heard the other girl had been bitching again and started throwing again. She also says she eats when she isn’t hungry, she just eats…she isn’t fat…but she is always eating…even when she isn’t hungry. She no longer see’s food as food, but rather as calories. She has a sudden desire to be the girl that when she walks into parties, everyone says how fantastic she looks…but last time she went to a party all she’d eaten that day was an apple and some paracetamol and she ended up paralytic…

Friend two finds eating is the only thing that makes her happy. She can’t go to school because her schizophrenia is so bad she can’t focus so she won’t get good grades. She can’t go to college because there is nothing to study, she can’t go to uni because she doesn’t have the grades, she can’t go to work because she’s too ill to sustain a job. She feels like her life is going no where. She eats to make herself happy, but then she wants to throw it up but because her Dad is now working at home to keep an eye on her, she can’t throw up which makes her feel ugly and dirty.

Me, Myself and I

I’ve recently been having trouble with my anorexia again and feeling out of proportion and ugly so I went searching for what REAL woman’s bodies look like. I’ve always looked at mannequins as my idols and have only recently realized they are not the true proportions of a woman as their hips are too thin. So I went looking at what a real woman looks like and came across an interesting article which I thought I would share

Click here to read it, it’s all about thinner women earning more, but men preferring curves not bones from women they are in relationships with.

C

Isabelle Caro

This is an article about Isabelle Caro, a model who fought her anorexia and how she used her own body to create controversial campaigns to raise awareness of the disease

Link to article:   —>    Isabelle Caro Article

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

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