An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘control’

Turning Tables

Having anorexia is one thing. When someone close to you gets something similar it becomes a whole new ball game. I can’t say who, I can’t say what but now my perspective has changed.

I can now see why my family found it so infuriating trying to get me to realize I wasn’t fat.

The person has everything a girl should want physically, and yet, it’s all gone tits up. They’re a mirror of my condition. I started because I wanted control of my something and now it’s staring me in the face again. Only this time from someone else’s eyes. I’ll do everything I can tp help them because I don’t want anyone to get as bad as I did. Especially not them – they deserve better.

I’m not a carer and a sufferer. I’ll keep you updated as through this I can show what’s behind the illness and how to help which will hopefully help someone somewhere. I will keep the person’s identity secret, so If they are reading this don’t worry, no one knows and I wont give up on you.

C

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Here We Go Again…Welcome To The Edge…

So I’m meant to be at school but I’m home ill.

I’ve been finding it harder than normal to get out of bed and get moving every morning, I’ve been getting later and later everyday and have less motivation each time. I NEED a break, I ran out of steam last Friday and I’ve been running on empty all week.

I missed two days last week being ill and having uni interviews so I had work to catch up on resulting in 7 essays to do for Friday and finding this out on Weds.

On Tuesday  I went into school and couldn’t read or write for a day as every time I looked down my head started spinning.

Yesterday I was stressed and today I woke up even more stressed.

It’s that time of month so I’m not 100% anyway. I’m stressed with all the essays. Worried about uni, will I get in? Will me and my partner be together or apart? If we’re apart how will we cope? If we’re apart will we fall apart like my friend and her partner are? How will I cope at uni with my illnesses?

So I have no lessons today and I spent the first lesson doing my first essay. I hadn’t had time to brush my teeth or put my makeup on that morning so I did that half way through. Finished and was still in a bad mood as I was now in pain from the period (I suffer badly). I felt deflated, exhausted, stressed, down and irritable. I was playing Angry Birds to chill for a bit then a girl who I’ll call M came along and intentionally jogged me even though she could see I was in a bad mood, so rather than being careful round me like everyone she pissed me off…smooth. Just for some background knowledge M is supposed to be one of my best friends best friend, but has been a right cow to her lately and she’s just generally annoying as she has been for the last two years as she’s very self centered and thinks the world of herself. A lot of my friends sing and they were standing there singing Queen songs and she was shouting at them to shut up, saying they were annoying and pissing me off, they’re enjoying themselves why should they shut up for a stupid bitch who doesn’t even like them and should really move if they’re that annoying but no, she’s the center of the world and too lazy to move.

I ended up telling her to shut up and she said “No I’m not, I’m not gonna shut up just because you’re in a bad mood”…well if you know i’m in a bad mood why are you pushing me? I ended up telling her what I thought of her, that’s she’s a bitch to my best friend and she was going on about “you have no idea what she’s said to me…you don’t know half the story to shut up…omg I can’t be bothered with this…stay out of other peoples business…etc etc”

When she went I ended up collapsing in tears on my partner, I’d had enough, I wanted to punch M and another girl, it was all too much but I couldn’t say this because I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling.

After about 10 mins I told him to go to his lesson as he needed to and I didn’t want him to get into trouble and I collapsed on my stuff. Two of my friends came over and looked after me, we ended up eating chocolate and talking about what food’s shouldn’t be tried, like chocolate bacon.

Still, everyone was annoying me. M is probably gonna moan to my best friend. My best friends may or may not get upset with me. My tutor will be pissed I didn’t turn up to her unscheduled lesson and give me a lecture. Another stupid girl is pissing me off. Little things that I normally ignore are all too much. I don’t know if I can stand going in tomorrow. I’ll do all I can to get my essays done. But I don’t know what will happen next. I expect when M finds out I went home she will attribute it to her wonderful arguing skills and say how lame and sad I am and pride herself on pissing me off. But right now I don’t give. I can’t. I haven’t got the energy. The holidays start in two days and I hope to start again afterwards.

C

Any News?

The good news is two weeks ago I hit 8.4/8.5 stone 😀 the bad news is I’ve had a really bad week this week with lack of sleep and being ridiculously busy so it’s more than likely I’ve lost weight. I missed dinner on Tuesday because I was out filming for a school project, I didn’t realize till later that night when I had a migraine and was absolutely shattered, I didn’t think much of it until my partner pointed out if I miss seven lunches in a year then that’s about two days of food I’ve missed. I hadn’t looked at it like that, but it made me really take note when he said it.

Due to my lack of sleep I’m just cranky and get snappy over nothing. I’ll write more about this another time, but the feelings are too fresh and they’re beginning to sap at my strength again.

Oh, I’ve started therapy but they’ve been mucking me around and are too general rather than really going in depth into my problems so I’m considering going private…

Boredom, Recklessness and Mood Swings

One thing they don’t tell you of when you get mentally ill is the danger of becoming bored of being ill, like I have. I’m tired of being tired, hungry, ill, depressed and unable to eat/drink/do what I want when  I want.

I can’t eat fast food because my body is too sensitive to cope with the protein shock, I can’t drink fizzy drinks because my body is too sensitive to cope with the sugar rush, I can’t go on roller coaster and rides at theme parks because I have an irregular heartbeat and can’t breath. I used to be able to do all this, I had fun and loved it, but now I have to stand and watch people having fun. go searching for alternative food when everyone’s buying McDonald’s, I’m sick of being unable to join in.

This recently came to a head when me and my partner went on a ride at a theme park. It was like Vortex at Thorpe Park but with dry ice and strobe lighting. When we were walking onto the ride on the sign it said “Do not ride if you have heart problems”. I knew I would have a problem, but hoped maybe this time it would be different. It was different – it was worse. I began to get doubts as we were getting strapped in, the dry ice was shot out the floor up into our faces (dry ice can affect breathing anyway so already I can’t breathe normally but hadn’t yet realized), the ride began to spin and swing higher and higher. The strobe lighting kicked in (which can make me have blackouts where I have no memory of what happened for the duration of the blackout but I continue to do the last thing on my mind, which if it is to get off the ride I will even if it’s still in motion), so already I can’t breathe and at risk of loosing consciousness to some degree. As the swinging got higher every time we reached the height my heart stopped, the swing down made me feel sick and the spinning was disorienting me, in between stopping beating my heart would then beat abnormally slowly for resting let alone on a spinning, swinging ride. It was bad but controllable, my partner turned round to look at me and could see something was wrong “What’s wrong?” he shouted over the heavy dance track, I told him nothing but he knew I was lying. As the swinging and spinning began to slow down to stop I told him I’d be fine, then an automated voice shouted at us “Scream if you want some more”. We weren’t stopping we were going again and I knew I was loosing control. So we began to swing higher, I tried shutting my eyes but when we swung it felt worse like there was a huge force against my chest preventing me from breathing, I opened my eyes and the giant Ferris wheel at the other end of the fair ground was underneath me, disorientated I was pulled backwards by the swing, by this time my partner was shouting at me, terrified I would pass out and not be revived in time. I decided to focus on a single point so I focused on the face of the  man opposite me, but I could see the ground racing towards me from behind him, I gripped my partner’s hand as he tried to signal to them to stop the ride, I couldn’t breathe, my partner was terrified and there was no way off. Finally the ride stopped and I managed to walk off with my partner supporting me as my legs felt shaky, light and like they could collapse at any moment, when we sat down on the grass my partner held me tight and we refused to let go of each other for a few minutes, we couldn’t hear each other talk over the loud music so we walked to a quieter spot. I explained what had happened and my partner said he thought he was going to lose me, especially when I shut my eyes as he thought I had fainted. We held each other close, I said sorry over and over again, told him I’d done it because I’m tired of being ill, he understood and made me swear never to do anything like that again.

Eventually I’ve become a danger to myself.

Mood swings are a huge problem for me too, I have bipolar disorder so I have a lot of them, and depending on my mood my appetite drastically changes, if I’m depressed I don’t feel hungry and people have to remind me to eat, if I’m anxious I can only eat a small amount or I feel physically sick. So not only am I dangerous I’m dictated by my illnesses.

Que vicious circle. 

The Epiphany

I never normally watch TV, I’m more of a book person but at breakfast I was watching the music channels and got bored so I switched to Gok Wan’s How To Look Good Naked. There was a mum who found it hard to get undressed in front of her partner and was convinced her bum was big, by the end of it she was walking down a catwalk in a huge mall in front of hundreds of strangers in a bikini. I find it hard to even look at myself in one. I found it sad how she hated her body when there was nothing wrong with it, but I realized how I don’t really have anything to hide but can’t face the world seeing me.

Then that ended and Supersize vs Superskinny came on. I was fine watching it till there were seven anorexic’s who the program had been following who had been trying to get better. They all said how they wanted to be the happy bubbly people they were before anorexia hit, I’ve been anorexic for most of my life and I realized I had no idea who I could be without it, they all said how much more fun they were without it, I’ve never known what that is like. They showed the anorexic’s all eating these really tasty looking meals and it struck me that if one was put in front of me, I wouldn’t finish because unknown to me, I’ve been going backwards. The anorexic’s were commenting on how it tasted, how they could taste the cinnamon, or how the taste was delicate and how much they were enjoying it, I’d love to enjoy food but I wolf it down as fast as possible to get eating over and done with as fast as possible. I got quite emotional seeing them because I realized what I’ve never had and all the while my partners words were echoing in my head: “anorexic’s think they’re in control, but they’re really not”, which is completely true.

So I made a new vow to beat this, I can’t sit around waiting to get to the top of the list to see a psychiatrist, because by then I’ll be too far gone. I decided to try again and if I can’t do it for me, then I will do it for my partner.

C

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