An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘stress’

So…

So I’m skint
And back to eating microwave ready meals/soup and/or toast.
I’m very mentally ill at the moment and I realized the other day I don’t feel anymore, I don’t laugh anymore, it’s like there’s a wall inside me between me and emotions.
I just need to get through this week, get my projects done then get home to my parents and it’s three weeks at home with my family for Christmas 🙂
I’m looking at next year as a new start. A chance to try again. To look at this term and where I messed up and improve on it.
I’ll be less stressed, I’ll manage my time better, I’ll enjoy myself more, I’ll start on projects when I get set them and not a few weeks later so I end up with a backlog, I’ll eat healthier, I’ll manage my money better and I’ll go to the gym at least once a week.

Where are you???

So I’ve disappeared off the internet for months…about that…school work is falling out of my ears and it was a case of there was either nothing to write about or not enough time to write it. I’m gonna try and start writing again, it’ll probably all be via mobile as it’s quicker and easier and I can update anywhere so there may be a lack of images, but then again you can’t have it all so hey ho.

So over the last few months I’ve been made one of two student reprepresentatives for my course year group. Uni is a definate step up in terms of work and standard. I’ve had a lot of stress breakdowns and cried on my partners shoulder a lot.
I’m still the same weight and eating well, although last week I couldn’t stop eating and this week I have to force myself to eat. I’m also having to reset my body clock, because I’ve been snacking so much lately I don’t eat a proper full meal in the evening, I eat barely half so I’m having to train myself not to rely on snacks. It means I get hungry late at night a lot but it’ll be worth it.
Me and my partner are a bit skint at the moment so that’s stress, my post isn’t arriving, the DSA havent given me most of the equipment I need and I need it now…so it’s lots of little things meaning I’m very stressed at the moment.
I also wanted to get all my family and friends really nice Christmas presents…but that’s not looking likely at the moment :-/

So in essence I’m now officially a student 😛

Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂
C

AARRGGHHH!!!!

Exam stress is REALLY starting to set in now

Hooray for Acne

So lately I’ve been suffering really badly with my acne. It doesn’t show in the other pictures because I either Photoshop myself or it wasn’t visible then. It’s stress related and with exams looming, low self-esteem, family problems and feeling like I fail my partner (I go through periods of time when I don’t feel good enough which is nothing to do with how he treats me, it’s just my mental psyche at the time) as well as other problems my acne has come back with vengance.

Which is making me feel ugly because it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I know it will go away but because it’s there it makes me stress about it…which means it gets worse…so I get more stressed etc

So I was browsing on the internet and I found a video of a girl who also has bouts of acne like me and she uses this concealer to hide it. I watched her put it on and even just a thin layer of it on her face hid all the spots and just left a bit of redness. Wow. Thing is…I’m very against foundation for several reasons:

    • it feels like face paint
    • it can make your spots worse
    • it takes ages to put on
    • powder gets all over everything
    • I don’t want to end up like this(my partner says he’ll stop me before I end up looking like this lol):
  • I don’t want to go orange or have weird looking skin
  • I don’t want to end up like the girls with horrific foundation lines and foundation on so thick it actually starts to clump on their faces

But with my self esteem falling fast and with my partner’s support-the spots don’t bother him, he just wants me to feel more confident-I’m off today to see what I can find. I want something light, that works, that wont clog my pores or stop my skin breathing and covers the spots quickly and effectively and doesn’t cost stupid amounts of money. It also has to mach my skin down to a T. I’m not gonna buy something that feels like face paint, makes the spots worse and makes me look a funny colour. End of.

I also think I look too masculine. My face shape is horrible. I’m a weird shape. My boobs are too small. My legs are horrible. I can’t stand the sight of my self at the moment so I’m doing my makeup not actually looking at me, just looking at what I’m doing. So rather than just walking round feeling like crap I’m going to try and combat this as once exams are over I’ll chill and my spots will go. This is just a cover up because I’d rather be able to just focus on my exams than worry about how I look all the time.

Here’s the girl with the awesome concealer (MAC Pro-longwear concealer NW20):

Bad Week

School has taken over my life
I have no hobbies
Stressing
Frustrated at people
7 years of following the rules and now in the last few weeks I begin to slip and everyone is hounding me
Frustrated
Sad I have to leave all my friends and family in a few months to go to uni – this is the life i’ve always known and it’s about to end

just in a bad way

and the sun owes an apology for being WELL overdue
Story of my life at the moment

Why I’m at home…again again

I’ve only been in school this week on Monday.

Since going back to school I’ve been up till at least 11:00pm trying to get my work done for school…no big deal for most but I’m normally in bed by 10.

I woke up on Tuesday and felt terrible, I was exhausted and felt fragile. I couldn’t face school. Same yesterday. I got better by the evening, but I slept terribly and couldn’t conjure up the energy for school. I was up late on both Tuesday and Wednesday trying to get my final piece of coursework done. I want to do Fashion Design at uni, so getting the last bit of my Textiles portfolio on my final dress was vital, I couldn’t relax until I’d got it done and I didn’t eat as I was so focused on getting it done…my old anorexia technique of ignoring hunger pains – no matter how bad – kicked back in and it was my partner who made me eat (he’s off too because his braces had elastics put in the other day to pull his jaw forward so he’s in a lot of pain).

My portfolio is done but I couldn’t sleep, my mind was going at 100mph and everytime I went to move I rolled into my partner which woke me up (he didn’t sleep well either) and then I’d dream and wake up and not be able to sleep…so I moved to the floor and it wasn’t much better.

I’ve only been out the house today for a hospital appointment (I have a 4cm cyst in my right ovary…funnnnnnn) and I’ll be in school tomorrow for the morning because I can’t miss an important media lesson. Then I might stay or I might return to my hermit cave.

Although on the good side my bulimic best friend has a Councillor and a sense of purpose as her studies are finally taking off and she’s tipped for big future success…and she has a date 🙂 So she’s happy.

The Cake Off

So, as you may or may not know I have recently started baking with my partner, and as me and my partner are bored of the school-home routine my Mum suggested we organize a big baking competition with my friends, and thus, The Cake Off was born.

My bulimic friend didn’t make it, but I did OK. I had two home cooked burgers and a panini for brunch and despite getting a bit stressed in the morning and going to bed at 11:45pm (O.o) I did quite well. I stayed awake and happy for the day. We had 12 different cakes (below)

I managed seven different slices before finally admitting defeat, and although there is still masses left, I only had one small anorexic attack and that was when I was overtired the night before and suddenly got scared at the amount of calories I was going to consume the next day.

I also managed to run around with the others in the park without getting tired and having to lie down like I have had to before which is good 🙂

Although we’ve all decided it would be a good idea to leave it for at least 6 months until we do another one so our intestines have time to recover 🙂

 

 

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

I’ll Be Back

I’m under a lot of stress from school at the moment as I have my big final Textiles project in for Thursday and it keeps going wrong…so once that’s done I’ll find time to sit down and give you lots of lovely updates…

C

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