An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘body’

No Longer a War With the Mirror

So yesterday as I was getting ready for bed I realized I’m comfortable with my body.

I don’t feel I want implants anymore to balance my self out. This is my body, and I quite like it ūüôā

If I want to make myself more ‘balanced’ in tight tops I can just put on a push up bra…solved. I don’t need surgery to feel good anymore ūüôā

As far as my journey from anorexia goes this is a major break through for me, I’ve never been able to look in the mirror and like what I see. And I’ve realized there’s nothing wrong with liking what you see. It’s not vain, it’s not big-headed, it’s right. Everyone has a choice, to either look in the mirror and see yourself every morning or to look in the mirror and spend every morning getting down over your figure, over what’s wrong with it. You’re going to have this body for your¬†whole¬†life, you may as well get used to it ūüôā

And it’s all down to my partner, his love of my body, his determination to get me to see it the way he does. Congratulating me when I manage to say I look good and making me stand in front of the mirror and really¬†look¬† at myself when I think I’m ugly. Him making me eat, accepting my faults and never giving up on me when times were bad, when I’m stubborn and infuriating and accepting me, warts and all. Thank you K, I love you and owe you so much xxxoooxxx

C

So…What Now?

So, I’m no longer starving myself, so that side of anorexia is over. But now I have to deal with the other aspects of anorexia as in the damages it has done to my body and the mental side. So here are my aims:

  1. Continue to eat regularly and healthily while I’m at university – no skipping meals etc.
  2. Build up my core strength – I have no core body strength (stamina) so I need to build this up e.g. skipping, cardio exercises
  3. Build up my arm muscles – my arms are the part most affected by my anorexia as I never had the energy to do anything and the anorexia prevented my muscles from growing so I need to start from the beginning and build them up e.g. press-ups
  4. Join a gym – to keep healthy and build up my body
  5. Cycle regularly – I can’t drive and I hate buses so I have to walk or cycle anyway but I mean¬†proper cycling, starting at twice a week my partner is going to eventually going to work me up to being able to do 15 miles a day (!!!)
  6. Learn to love myself – I’m doing ok at the moment, I have good and bad days, but my aim is to learn to love myself like my partner loves me, my main aim being to learn to like my bust area…because that’s the bit I still can’t stand
  7. Take up climbing and maybe swimming – my partner likes climbing and so do I, and swimming will help me get my body building up long lost muscles.
  8. Monitor my body – growth, heart and what I can eat/drink. When I should have had my last growth spurt my anorexia was at it’s worst, I wasn’t eating enough and I was¬†exercising¬†off what I was eating almost¬†immediately, so I didn’t grow. So I’m going to measure my height every now and then to see if I’m growing because when I was younger it was predicted I would grow to be 5″10, and I’m only just 5″8. I have heart problems and I’m not sure if they are related to my anorexia so I’ll be keeping an eye on that. I was told I had a sensitive digestion system and would couldn’t eat fast food (I’d have a protein shock and feel¬†lethargic, sick and have a hot flush), drink fizzy drinks (they would hurt my stomach) or alcohol (it would burn my throat). But since beating I can now eat most fast food (excluding McDonald’s “beef”), fizzy drinks sometimes hurt if I drink them fast, and alcohol doesn’t burn as bad and I’m not as much of a light weight (two bottles of WKD with 4% alcohol in each would get me tipsy).
  9. Survive uni ūüôā
  10. Keep writing ūüôā

So this is what you’ll be hearing about from me over the next year, I hope it’s as¬†successful¬†and¬†interesting¬†for you guys to read as this year has been ūüôā

C

Vogue – The New Body (Part 1)

Vogue magazine is one of the biggest fashion magazines worldwide, and June’s issue was really good so I thought I’d write about it. It focuses on the Olympics and the Jubilee, but the reason it was so good was because it was a body special that celebrated “sport, style and shape”.

Firstly, Alexander Shulman (The editor) outlined the new Vogue initiative:

As one of the fashion industry’s mot powerful voices, Vogue has a unique opportunity to engage with¬†relevant¬†issues where we feel we can make a difference. This month we announce the Health¬†Initiative, a pact between the international editors of Vogue, now published in 19 countries, to build on the¬†successful¬†work that the Council of Fashion¬†Designers¬†of America Health Initiative¬†in the US and the British Fashion Council in the UK¬†have¬†already started, to encourage a¬†healthier¬†approach to body image within the industry.

Fashion is an inspiring and creative force, and fashion models are also role models for many women. because of this, it is important that we do all we can to ensure that they are well cared for and educated in ways that will encourage and help them to take care of themselves. We also recognize that there are many different types of body which are healthy Рthinness itself is not an indication of ill-health, and obesity is also  pressing issue. This programme aims to address as many of the issues as we realistically can.

  1. We will not knowingly work with models under the age of 16 or who appear to have an eating disorder. We will work with models who, in our view, are healthy and help promote a healthy body image.
  2. We will ask agents not to knowingly send us underage¬†girls¬†and casting directors to check ID’s when casting ¬†shoots, shows and campaigns.
  3. We will help structure mentoring programmes where more mature models are able to give advice and guidance to younger girls, and we will help to raise industry-wide awareness through education, as has been integral to the CFDA Health Initiative.
  4. We will encourage producers to create healthy backstage working conditions, including healthy food option s and a respect for privacy. We will encourage casting agents not to keep models unreasonably late.
  5. We consider designers to consider the consequences of unrealistically small sample sizes of their clothing, which limits the range of women who can be photographed in their clothes, and encourages the use of extremely thin models.
  6. We will be vocal ambassadors for the message of healthy body image, both within the magazine and outside

The Editors of Vogue

Signed by the editors from US, UK, Italy, France, Germany, Spain, Australia, Brazil, China, Greece India, Japan, Korea Mexico, The Netherlands, Portugal, Russia, Taiwan and Turkey.

So this means there is now a powerful voice who is well renowned within the fashion industry (Vogue is the biggest, most highly regarded fashion magazine) fighting against size 0, eating disorders and underage models, meaning things should start to change as smaller magazines will look up to Vogue and follow suit. And because all  the Vogue editors have signed it, this will hopefully be a worldwide shift.

On page 138 where the photo spreads are they’re was a 20 page spread titled¬†London Pride which showed the styles of different celebrities, but rather than being just models there were sports stars, actors and people of all different ages which was nice to see as people tend to forget with the focus always being on youth and looking younger how nice and refreshing wrinkles and crows feet are.

This was followed by a 16 page spread of photos of Olympic athletes (and two pages of signed pictures of all of them) called¬†Sporting Gods that aimed to “pay tribute to the versatility, beauty and brilliance of the human body”. ¬†The pictures were pretty impressive as they focused more on the muscle and power of the body than what they were wearing, showing off the tough legs of sprinter Jodie Williams, rather than trying to make them look long and spindly, the impressive sporting stature of Euan Burton rather than trying to create a pin-up sex icon of them. Looking at their bodies you could see the hours of training, pain, dedication and hard work that had gone into it. Yes, they weren’t your typical beautiful bodies, but they were beautiful because of the love, dedication and pure drive they emulated, as well as being mighty impressive.

Heptathlete: Louise Hazel

Luke Campbell

Then came¬†National Treasures, an 8 page spread of England’s “great Britons” featuring Helena Bonham Carter (Actress 45 years old), David Attenborough (Broadcaster and Naturalist 86 years old), Damon Albarn (Musician (Blur) 44 years old), Kate Moss (Model 38 years old), Penelope Tree (Model and Campaigner 62 years old) and Patrick Moore (Broadcaster¬†and Astronomer 89 years old) and a 4 page spread about Queen Elizabeth II. Seeing different people celebrated was a lovely sight, Helena Bonham Carter is known for not following fashion, and still featured, Patrick Moore’s suit didn’t fit him and he was nothing like the normal men in Vogue, but it was nice to see the industry reaching out and accepting everyone, every shape, every style, every personality (Penelope Tree had a coat hanger on her head).

Penelope Tree

 

Update

I’m¬†OK¬†with my body, I still think my top half is too small for the bottom but I know it can be fixed in the future with implants.

I’ve had my hair cut short again, I didn’t like it being long, it got in the way and¬†stubbornly¬†refused to do anything unless I spent ages singing it with¬†straighteners. I’ve bought a wig though, because sometimes I do want long hair and I can just pop the wig on and go.

The anti-depressants are working, I don’t get depressed as much, I do¬†occasionally¬†get irritable but that’s just me being female ūüôā I don’t feel like I’m wearing a mask as I now know when I’m depressed and can deal with it rather than finding out too late and crashing out.

My acne is back, I’m not sure why because I’m not depressed, it might be because I’m lounging round the house and being a bit stig-y ūüôā

Like I’ve said in previous posts, I’m really quiet at the moment because nothing is happening in my life. I’ve finished school, so I’m at home all day. There’s not enough jobs for the amount of people applying so I can’t do that, I don’t want to volunteer yet because I’m waiting to see if I’ve got a job I applied for and really want and I don’t want to start volunteering and then have to stop because I get another job. So I spend all day at home, cooking, drawing or playing on The Sims. I would go out and do stuff but the weather is so crap I can’t. We meet up with friends once a week and we all compare the nothing we’ve been doing ūüôā I have another post I started a while back I need to finish so I’ll get that done soon and I’ll do another weigh in as well ūüôā So watch this space

C

Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants.¬†My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I¬†originally¬†said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click¬†here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and¬†potentially¬†loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted ūüôā
C

I wanna be like Marina

Or more specifically I want a body like Marina…

For those of you who don’t know this is Marina Diamandis…more commonly known as Marina and the Diamonds…

I wanna be like her…

All lucious curves and awesomeness…

I don’t want boobs as big as hers…just maybe one size bigger than what I’ve got…

So I can be curvy…

She’s gone blond and tanned to be her character Electra Heart but I want to be like her…

 

 

 

Progress

So, I’m 10 months into beating anorexia and I have to say I’m feeling positive. I’m still on a body confidence high from friday night, so I’m feeling good about myself. I’d still like slightly bigger breasts to be more curvaceous, and to muscle up mu arms a bit and I still need to come to terms with my thighs and sort out my posture, but it’s nothing a little excercise or a decent push up bra (every now and then) can’t fix.

In terms of food, I enjoy it. I like it. I can taste flavours and textures and I’m beginning to distinguish between them and actually get some favourite meals. I’m still cooking, last night me and my partner cooked a coconut cake…the coconut icing failed and yellow food dye is a bad idea…but we mixed up some pink butter icing and saved it ūüôā I’m not an organic health freak anymore either. As well as not eating, when I did used to eat I would be convinced that chocolate was bad and I could only eat muesli¬†bars and fruit…I also considered going vegetarian for a while and my Mum put refused to cook me vegetarian food because she knew I wasn’t eating right and as a vegetarian I would be even less healthy.

But all in all I feel good about myself. I feel more confident. I went out and bought some bright red lipstick the other day (It’s actually more purple-y because the bright red was a little too much for me too handle but it’s still the same thing) which is something I’ve wanted to do but never had the confidence to wear.

Hopefully this will continue, I’m still not ‘cured’ and I know in a few weeks I will probably be stressing out, comfort eating, feeling crap and just generally not being well…but at this moment in time I feel good. And I just thought I’d share it because I’m quite proud of it.

C

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