An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘depressed’

FOMO – Fear of Missing Out

So the good news is that I’m still eating normally, I eat 3 meals a day and they’re healthy – no pot noodle shindig on my plate no suree ūüôā

The bad news is I’m constantly stressed I’m missing out and depressed because I think I am. Everyone is recovering from last night (I wasn’t part of it because my partner drank too much at the pre-drinks and threw up everywhere so I stayed back to nurse him :p) and my Facebook is full of people saying how bad their hangovers are, and I’m scared I’m missing out. That somewhere there is a group of people having fun or such and I’m not there.

It’s most likely because of how insecure I am at the moment. I’m finding it really hard to talk and make friends, so I’m worried I’m missing out on valuable friendship building time…even though I’m only 5 days in…most people aren’t here yet…and freshers fortnight starts next week…

So in conclusion I’m probably just being silly

I also haven’t been doing my¬†exercises…although I have done a lot of walking…not that that helps my arms but oh well.¬†Although¬†on the other hand a friend I met called Katie invited me to go to yoga/Pilates¬†with her and try¬†cheer leading, not so sure about the¬†cheer leading¬†but we’ll see how it goes ūüôā

C

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Body and Mind

So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.

The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.

I’ve also realized I’ve been¬†subconsciously¬†depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.

So this is me for the next week.

If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say

C

Anti-depressants and Body Image

So I’ve been on them for 5 days now, and I’ve been fine and feeling happy.

But today I’ve got a headache and now feel depressed and don’t like my self. My acne is still here. Where I’m growing I’ve got stretch marks. I’m out of proportion because my hips are growing and my chest isn’t. I just feel horrible.

I know I don’t write specifically about my anorexia much anymore. but that’s because it’s more mental now. It’s about my relationship with food, how I see my self and how my other mental illnesses affect it.

So it’s still The Anorexia Diary…just the next stage.

Here’s a link to a programme that was shown in BBC 4 yesterday called¬†Girl Model¬†about girls who are taken to be models in Japan, and the shocking truth about the modelling industry. The girls are skinnier than I’ve ever been and most of them are between 11-16. It’s very eye opening and well worth the watch.

C

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