So I haven’t been able to start my exercise regime properly as I have been ill -_- I have a stomach ache, head ache and I feel tired all the time, and just generally sick. So doing press ups and skipping wouldn’t help. Although the few times I have been able to do it is starting to make an improvement, as I’m starting to get a wee bit of muscle in my arms 😀 my skipping isn’t so good but that can be worked on. I’m not sure if my illness is caused by my anti-depressants as I’ve had the dosage upped to 20mg from 10mg and since then I’ve been ill…so it might be them. I’ll have to check the side effects, but on the other hand it is that time of month and I tend to get ill then anyway…so we’ll see how it goes.
So…me and my partner GOT INTO OUR FIRST CHOICE UNIVERSITY!!! so we’re going to uni in wales together 😀 I got AABC and my partner got BCC so we’re happy 🙂
Very happy. Now we just have to shop/pack…which will be interesting since I struggle to pack everything for a 2 week summer holiday…so packing for 10 months away from home will be…erm…exciting?
I have also had my anti-depressants upped from 10mg to 28mg so we’ll see how that goes. I took a depression test while at the doctors and before going on the pills I had a score of 27 and now I’m down to about 17 😀 so I’m getting better slowly.
I weigh 9 stone 5 pounds (+3 pounds) I’m still not confident about my breasts but I’m learning to love the rest of me, and my acne is disappearing 🙂
I’m OK with my body, I still think my top half is too small for the bottom but I know it can be fixed in the future with implants.
I’ve had my hair cut short again, I didn’t like it being long, it got in the way and stubbornly refused to do anything unless I spent ages singing it with straighteners. I’ve bought a wig though, because sometimes I do want long hair and I can just pop the wig on and go.
The anti-depressants are working, I don’t get depressed as much, I do occasionally get irritable but that’s just me being female 🙂 I don’t feel like I’m wearing a mask as I now know when I’m depressed and can deal with it rather than finding out too late and crashing out.
My acne is back, I’m not sure why because I’m not depressed, it might be because I’m lounging round the house and being a bit stig-y 🙂
Like I’ve said in previous posts, I’m really quiet at the moment because nothing is happening in my life. I’ve finished school, so I’m at home all day. There’s not enough jobs for the amount of people applying so I can’t do that, I don’t want to volunteer yet because I’m waiting to see if I’ve got a job I applied for and really want and I don’t want to start volunteering and then have to stop because I get another job. So I spend all day at home, cooking, drawing or playing on The Sims. I would go out and do stuff but the weather is so crap I can’t. We meet up with friends once a week and we all compare the nothing we’ve been doing 🙂 I have another post I started a while back I need to finish so I’ll get that done soon and I’ll do another weigh in as well 🙂 So watch this space
I’m expecting my self confidence and new found “I look ok” to crash soon.
My breasts are becoming wonky.
The left one is becoming significantly larger and the right one is lower.
Just what I need.
Also I don’t enjoy food anymore. I’m just not interested. Which means I’m going backwards. It might be a side affect of the anti depressants as they can make you loose your appetite.
This is not what I want or need. I was just starting to go somewhere. And now I seem to have turned around and run the other way.
So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.
The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.
I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.
So this is me for the next week.
If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say
So I’ve been on them for 5 days now, and I’ve been fine and feeling happy.
But today I’ve got a headache and now feel depressed and don’t like my self. My acne is still here. Where I’m growing I’ve got stretch marks. I’m out of proportion because my hips are growing and my chest isn’t. I just feel horrible.
I know I don’t write specifically about my anorexia much anymore. but that’s because it’s more mental now. It’s about my relationship with food, how I see my self and how my other mental illnesses affect it.
So it’s still The Anorexia Diary…just the next stage.
Here’s a link to a programme that was shown in BBC 4 yesterday called Girl Model about girls who are taken to be models in Japan, and the shocking truth about the modelling industry. The girls are skinnier than I’ve ever been and most of them are between 11-16. It’s very eye opening and well worth the watch.