An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘self image’

Body and Mind

So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.

The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.

I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.

So this is me for the next week.

If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say

C

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Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂
C

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