An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘self loathing’

Learning To Love

So, now my eating is more under control the final stage is to learn to love myself…which after years of loathing, starving and punishing is not going to be easy.

It’s very rare I look in the mirror and think I look OK, let alone good.

I still hate my body and everytime I see a crease in my skin (like when you slouch and your stomach loo huge) I don’t want to look at myself

Whenever I screwed up I scratch my palms with my fingernails as punishment, and I’ve scratched them raw sometimes.

So I went a-Googling and fond this: How To Love Yourself in 17 Different Ways which I am aiming to try, one step at a time.

My first challenge is to fall in love with myself…

1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

So…this could be interesting…I’ll keep you posted

C

P.S. Sorry for the long silences…I’ll try and write more often 🙂

Sometimes…

Sometimes  forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.

I used to think anorexia was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m effectively killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.

I’m not living – I’m surviving.

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