An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘acne’

Off to the land of sheep…and Weekly Weigh In

So…me and my partner GOT INTO OUR FIRST CHOICE UNIVERSITY!!! so we’re going to uni in wales together 😀 I got AABC and my partner got BCC so we’re happy 🙂

Very happy. Now we just have to shop/pack…which will be interesting since I struggle to pack everything for a 2 week summer holiday…so packing for 10 months away from home will be…erm…exciting?

I have also had my anti-depressants upped from 10mg to 28mg so we’ll see how that goes. I took a depression test while at the doctors and before going on the pills I had a score of 27 and now I’m down to about 17 😀 so I’m getting better slowly.

I weigh 9 stone 5 pounds (+3 pounds) I’m still not confident about my breasts but I’m learning to love the rest of me, and my acne is disappearing 🙂

C

Update

I’m OK with my body, I still think my top half is too small for the bottom but I know it can be fixed in the future with implants.

I’ve had my hair cut short again, I didn’t like it being long, it got in the way and stubbornly refused to do anything unless I spent ages singing it with straighteners. I’ve bought a wig though, because sometimes I do want long hair and I can just pop the wig on and go.

The anti-depressants are working, I don’t get depressed as much, I do occasionally get irritable but that’s just me being female 🙂 I don’t feel like I’m wearing a mask as I now know when I’m depressed and can deal with it rather than finding out too late and crashing out.

My acne is back, I’m not sure why because I’m not depressed, it might be because I’m lounging round the house and being a bit stig-y 🙂

Like I’ve said in previous posts, I’m really quiet at the moment because nothing is happening in my life. I’ve finished school, so I’m at home all day. There’s not enough jobs for the amount of people applying so I can’t do that, I don’t want to volunteer yet because I’m waiting to see if I’ve got a job I applied for and really want and I don’t want to start volunteering and then have to stop because I get another job. So I spend all day at home, cooking, drawing or playing on The Sims. I would go out and do stuff but the weather is so crap I can’t. We meet up with friends once a week and we all compare the nothing we’ve been doing 🙂 I have another post I started a while back I need to finish so I’ll get that done soon and I’ll do another weigh in as well 🙂 So watch this space

C

Anti-depressants and Body Image

So I’ve been on them for 5 days now, and I’ve been fine and feeling happy.

But today I’ve got a headache and now feel depressed and don’t like my self. My acne is still here. Where I’m growing I’ve got stretch marks. I’m out of proportion because my hips are growing and my chest isn’t. I just feel horrible.

I know I don’t write specifically about my anorexia much anymore. but that’s because it’s more mental now. It’s about my relationship with food, how I see my self and how my other mental illnesses affect it.

So it’s still The Anorexia Diary…just the next stage.

Here’s a link to a programme that was shown in BBC 4 yesterday called Girl Model about girls who are taken to be models in Japan, and the shocking truth about the modelling industry. The girls are skinnier than I’ve ever been and most of them are between 11-16. It’s very eye opening and well worth the watch.

C

Schools out for summer!

So I’ve been very quiet lately because it’s been exam time but I finished today so here’s a quick update on whats been happening:

  1. Acne still refusing to budge
  2. I struggle from day to day with my body, some days I’m OK with it, others I can’t stand it…but I take each day as it comes.
  3. Tomorrow I’m going onto anti-depressants. My moods have been in flux for a long time, one day i’m fine, he next i’m stressed, the next i’m crying…it’s so out of control and the amount and scale of mood swings I have is too much so I’m going onto anti-depressants. I originally said I wouldn’t because of all the stories I’ve heard about them, but I have no control and have no therapy and I need something NOW because it’s affecting all aspects of my life dangerously.
  4. My depressions tends to hit in the evening and I’ve found that sitting at my desk in my room makes me depressed because the light falls behind me and the corner is a bit dark so I get down. I tend to get randomly irritable, or cry because I’m scared of the future/feel hopeless/feel like a crap partner to my other half. Or I get stressed to the point of almost having a panic attack
  5. I weigh 9 stone 3 pounds (+1 pound)
  6. I qualify for a DSA (Disabled Students Allowance), I have an assessment tomorrow to find out what I can get, i.e. finding, mentors, any equipment(?)
  7. I have decided after uni I’m going to get breast implants to take me from a small A cup to a full C cup so I can be curvy. (For the full post click here)
  8. I’m ill. I have gunk going down the back of my neck which is making me cough…which hurts my throat to the point where lifting my head is sore. I’m tired and cold…yay.
  9. I have some appointments booked with an organization called Time2Talk…we’ll see how that goes
  • Anti-depressant fact. When people go onto an anti-depressant for the first month it makes them worse, over the age of 21 the bad spell isn’t too bad, but under 21’s it hits them very hard. Because I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, it means I’m more likely to be inclined to act on them. However, the doctor also said that if a person has a lot of support from family (which I do) and I’m honest about how I’m feeling, it shouldn’t be too bad. I’ve decided to start now as I have the choice of have the low spell now and potentially loose some of my holiday to bad feelings but have no stress, start later and make moving to uni even harder or wait till I’m 21 but by the time I get there who knows how bad I’ll be? So I’ve decided to risk it now, the only other problem is that if these pills aren’t right for me then I have to wait a month before I can decide to get through the initial bad patch…not looking forward to that.
Anyway, I should be posting a lot more frequently now I have more time. So I’ll keep y’all posted 🙂
C

Concealer

So, I went out and I bought some concealer and I’ve been wearing it for the past few days. It’s surprisingly easy to put on, I just put on a thin layer to take away the horrible redness, not to cover it up and it does the trick well. Just squeeze it out, rub it on your face and I use a big thick foundation brush to blend it in to prevent any lines or blotches.

The one that I have is Lancome Paris Effacernes Longue Tenue (Long Lasting Softening Concealer) in shade 01. It cost about ÂŁ20 for 15ml (!!!) but it works well and blends in so you don’t notice it.

If you look in the top right hand corner of the bottle you can see how much has been used in 3 days…it’s not really a lot but then I only put a 1 thin layer on and it would probably go down a lot faster if I did thicker layers.

Here are some before and after pictures of me:

Before

After

So not a phenomenal amazing change…just enough to kind of bleach the redness out of them which is what I wanted, and it doesn’t show which is a bonus. I put it around the sides of my face, my forehead and chin as these are the worst effected areas.

Depending on how long this one lasts I will either buy it again or try to find a cheaper option. I asked the lady at the Lancome counter in Boots to find the right shade for me as I like the Lancome ladies…and it was free which was a bonus.

Because I’ve got the concealer on I can’t touch or scratch my face because I’d scratch it off…and my spots are starting to go down which is good :).

And finally, here’s some advice from some other readers who know what they’re talking about 🙂

Try mineral make up – it won’t clog your pores and the assistant at the counter will find the perfect match for your skin. Some mineral make up is expensive (the brand I use charges about £20 for a foundation pot but the powder has lasted me over a year) but they are worth it.

Also wash your skin at night to remove make up, use a moisturiser with no added chemicals and don’t wash with soap! Cold creams/sensitive skin cleansers are the best to remove make up/oil/etc from your face.

Good luck!

~From Sissy~

~~~

 …Actually, I had suffer from acne too and still has been from time to time, but lately, I don’t have acne except for few scars that are left. You wouldn’t really turn orange or something as long as you find the right shade of foundation and concealer. You will get cakey though sometimes, but that is because of the weather, but you can fix it up by applying a good moisturizer first so you will have a smooth skin to work with, so the build-up will not get visible once you put your foundation. Back before, I used foundation and concealer because of my sever acne. But, I realized that if i keep putting foundation and concealer, I will just triggering the break out and will get worse, so I give my face a rest. I went bare face for a week, and felt really really bad, buut then I embraced my face regardless of it. I tend to get shy though, very! Then from a week turned to a month and now, my breakout calmed down and stopped. I don’t use make up anymore, except on special occassions, but I use concealer sometimes only to cover under eyebags but not putting on my pimple. I regularly wash my face too, twice a day but with no soap.
Good luck and stay beautiful :)
~From The Blogger http://ramazingrain.wordpress.com/ ~

Hooray for Acne

So lately I’ve been suffering really badly with my acne. It doesn’t show in the other pictures because I either Photoshop myself or it wasn’t visible then. It’s stress related and with exams looming, low self-esteem, family problems and feeling like I fail my partner (I go through periods of time when I don’t feel good enough which is nothing to do with how he treats me, it’s just my mental psyche at the time) as well as other problems my acne has come back with vengance.

Which is making me feel ugly because it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I know it will go away but because it’s there it makes me stress about it…which means it gets worse…so I get more stressed etc

So I was browsing on the internet and I found a video of a girl who also has bouts of acne like me and she uses this concealer to hide it. I watched her put it on and even just a thin layer of it on her face hid all the spots and just left a bit of redness. Wow. Thing is…I’m very against foundation for several reasons:

    • it feels like face paint
    • it can make your spots worse
    • it takes ages to put on
    • powder gets all over everything
    • I don’t want to end up like this(my partner says he’ll stop me before I end up looking like this lol):
  • I don’t want to go orange or have weird looking skin
  • I don’t want to end up like the girls with horrific foundation lines and foundation on so thick it actually starts to clump on their faces

But with my self esteem falling fast and with my partner’s support-the spots don’t bother him, he just wants me to feel more confident-I’m off today to see what I can find. I want something light, that works, that wont clog my pores or stop my skin breathing and covers the spots quickly and effectively and doesn’t cost stupid amounts of money. It also has to mach my skin down to a T. I’m not gonna buy something that feels like face paint, makes the spots worse and makes me look a funny colour. End of.

I also think I look too masculine. My face shape is horrible. I’m a weird shape. My boobs are too small. My legs are horrible. I can’t stand the sight of my self at the moment so I’m doing my makeup not actually looking at me, just looking at what I’m doing. So rather than just walking round feeling like crap I’m going to try and combat this as once exams are over I’ll chill and my spots will go. This is just a cover up because I’d rather be able to just focus on my exams than worry about how I look all the time.

Here’s the girl with the awesome concealer (MAC Pro-longwear concealer NW20):

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

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