An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘partner’

No Longer a War With the Mirror

So yesterday as I was getting ready for bed I realized I’m comfortable with my body.

I don’t feel I want implants anymore to balance my self out. This is my body, and I quite like it ūüôā

If I want to make myself more ‘balanced’ in tight tops I can just put on a push up bra…solved. I don’t need surgery to feel good anymore ūüôā

As far as my journey from anorexia goes this is a major break through for me, I’ve never been able to look in the mirror and like what I see. And I’ve realized there’s nothing wrong with liking what you see. It’s not vain, it’s not big-headed, it’s right. Everyone has a choice, to either look in the mirror and see yourself every morning or to look in the mirror and spend every morning getting down over your figure, over what’s wrong with it. You’re going to have this body for your¬†whole¬†life, you may as well get used to it ūüôā

And it’s all down to my partner, his love of my body, his determination to get me to see it the way he does. Congratulating me when I manage to say I look good and making me stand in front of the mirror and really¬†look¬† at myself when I think I’m ugly. Him making me eat, accepting my faults and never giving up on me when times were bad, when I’m stubborn and infuriating and accepting me, warts and all. Thank you K, I love you and owe you so much xxxoooxxx

C

Why I’m at home…again again

I’ve only been in school this week on Monday.

Since going back to school I’ve been up till at least 11:00pm trying to get my work done for school…no big deal for most but I’m normally in bed by 10.

I woke up on Tuesday and felt terrible, I was exhausted and felt fragile. I couldn’t face school. Same yesterday. I got better by the evening, but I slept terribly and couldn’t¬†conjure¬†up the energy for school. I was up late on both Tuesday and Wednesday trying to get my final piece of coursework done. I want to do Fashion Design at uni, so getting the last bit of my Textiles portfolio on my final dress was vital, I couldn’t relax until I’d got it done and I didn’t eat as I was so focused on getting it done…my old anorexia technique of ignoring hunger pains – no matter how bad – kicked back in and it was my partner who made me eat (he’s off too because his braces had elastics put in the other day to pull his jaw forward so he’s in a lot of pain).

My portfolio is done but I couldn’t sleep, my mind was going at 100mph and everytime I went to move I rolled into my partner which woke me up (he didn’t sleep well either) and then I’d dream and wake up and not be able to sleep…so I moved to the floor and it wasn’t much better.

I’ve only been out the house today for a hospital appointment (I have a 4cm cyst in my right ovary…funnnnnnn) and I’ll be in school tomorrow for the morning because I can’t miss an important media lesson. Then I might stay or I might return to my hermit cave.

Although on the good side my bulimic best friend has a¬†Councillor¬†and a sense of purpose as her studies are finally taking off and she’s tipped for big future success…and she has a date ūüôā So she’s happy.

And down again…

So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.

  1. I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage¬†pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:

Taken off celebritystomach.com...really not helping me...

I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in¬†every way¬†and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.

2. I have really bad¬†delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† 3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without ¬†crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back ¬†due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† 4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia¬†Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up…¬†admittedly¬†the writer is befriending the¬†disease¬†rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered¬†worshiping¬†nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born¬†Christianity¬†has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still¬†worshiping¬†God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…

So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke

Fun

Exercising

So, I have been pretty crap with my¬†exercising, as in I haven’t been doing it. I’ve been too reliant on my partner to do it with me and remind me to do it, forgetting he needs his own time outside of me.

So I am branching out alone, sometimes I’ll do it with him which will be nice, but I’ve got to be more self-sustaining. So as of last night I’m going it alone.

My routine put together by my partner consists of:

  • 2 sets of 5 obliques (laying down, crossing one leg over the other at a right angle and putting the opposite elbow to it, to right elbow to right knee)

  • 2 sets of 10 curls (laying down, lifting body up with stomach)

  • Cycling for two minutes (this isn’t actual cycling, you lay on your back and make the cycling movement in the air)

  • Two sets of 10 side planks (you lay on your side with your legs out straight and lift the top leg up a bit, then down without the touching your ankles, so you have to hold it)

This lady is holding herself up but because of my weedy arms I lay down

  • Repeat once more and stop

I only do what my partner has set me to make sure I don’t over do myself and start¬†manically¬†exercising¬†to loose as much weight as possible and start going backwards again. I might try using small weights to¬†build¬†up arm muscle as well…since i’m such a weed ūüôā

The obliques and curls work my stomach, the plank works my legs (don’t feel comfortable with my thighs *que massive male groaning* lol) and the cycling does both. Because it’s been such a big obsession of mine (one I was doing nothing about, I just grumbled most evenings about ¬†my figure) my partner laid it out to me as I can either learn to love my body and see it as he does,¬†exercise¬†to get the body I want or go back to starving myself and undo all the past months work. I’m not ready to start tackling the mental side of my anorexia yet, and neither of us want me to go backwards, so I decided to stop being a lazy bum and work on it.

I want to go swimming with my friends at some point, so I want to tone up a bit for that, so I now have a target of getting toned ready for it.

I want a stomach like this:

As opposed to this:

This isn't actually me...it's just an image from Google

I just want to be able to wear a bikini and not worry about my stomach (swim suits don’t fit me as I have a long body), or tie up my t-shirt in the summer when it’s warm and not be¬†conscious, to be able to wear that little black dress and not worry. So there is my aim, and here begins the work.

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if¬†something¬†goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and¬†practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

My Big Come Back

After a few months of silence I’m gonna try and write more¬†regularly, preferable once a week at least about how the¬†anorexia¬†is going, how I’m coping etc.

So the big news is I’ve succesfully managed to stay above 8 stone for about two months and for about two to four weeks I was 8stone6 which is the heaviest I’ve ever been, at the moment I’ve dropped to 8stone3 and although I was dissapointed my partner pointed out I’m still above 8stone which means I’m doing really well ūüôā

 

I’ve had a few moments where I feel out of proportion/ugly/fat and have sat down with my partner who has tirelessly talked through everything with me. My main issues are:

1) My stomach is out of proportion with my breasts because my stomach sticks out a bit further than my breasts

My partner pointed out I’m not and he prefers me with more fat on me because when he met me (10 months ago) he was¬†genuinely¬†frightened by how skinny I was. He also said if it bothers me that much he will do muscle toning¬†exercises¬†with me if it bothers me that much but he likes me as I am. (He’d do them with me to make sure I’m not over doing it because the last time I did exercises I was eating less and exercising¬†ridiculously¬†which meant I was burning off more than I was putting in, although I’m eating more he still wants to make sure I’m not doing it wrong or too much so I don’t undo the work I’ve done or start going backwards)

2) My backside is out of proportion

It isn’t as my partner points out, I’m just being over¬†judgmental¬†and¬†actually¬†have an ass rather than most girls who have nothing there at all

3) My thighs are huge

They aren’t, I just have thighs unlike most girls, I have CURVES not tree trunks lol

4) I’m ugly

My partner just says “You’re beautiful just the way you are and you should try and see it”

 

I’ve lately been feeling low, which is causing me some problems as I don’t understand why but I’m just working through each day as it comes and hoping I realize why.

 

I have started seeing a lady as CAMHS (a local mental health service) but after a promising start it’s a dead end. All that happens is I sit in a room with my partner, mother and the lady for an hour and tell her about my life, this lasts about 40 minutes and them I’m stuck sitting there for 20 minutes like a lemon with no one having anything to say, it’s not helping it’s just wasting my time and although my mum has hinted we could try to do things to the lady, nothing ever changes. I contacted I local therapist/psychologist who said she doesn’t work with people under 18 so I have no help at the moment, I asked people on RecoverYourLife.com who suggested I ask Connextions or ask CAMHS if I can see any one else.

Over the Christmas period I went and spent a week with my¬†partner’s¬†dad, step-mum and step-sister and his step-mum (T) use to have¬†anorexia, she told me when she started beating it she was ‘out of proportion’ like me and said it’s because when you start eating more, your body turns it in to fat to save it up whilst its getting more, but over time as you continue the increased food intake your stomach will reduce and you’ll fill out all over. So over time I should become normal again…or go overboard and my body turns out to be a suppressed Katie Price lmao…I damn sure hope not ūüėČ

Just as something to leave you with, here are two picture of me, one from the prom June 2010 (purple dress) and the other from the prom December 2011 (red dress) so you can see the difference:

2010

2011

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