An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘fat’

And down again…

So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.

  1. I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:

Taken off celebritystomach.com...really not helping me...

I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in every way and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.

2. I have really bad delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.

          3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without  crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back  due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.

          4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up… admittedly the writer is befriending the disease rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?

         5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered worshiping nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born Christianity has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still worshiping God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…

So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke

Fun

Weekly Weigh In

9 stone 1 (+ 2 pounds)

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

Turning Tables

Having anorexia is one thing. When someone close to you gets something similar it becomes a whole new ball game. I can’t say who, I can’t say what but now my perspective has changed.

I can now see why my family found it so infuriating trying to get me to realize I wasn’t fat.

The person has everything a girl should want physically, and yet, it’s all gone tits up. They’re a mirror of my condition. I started because I wanted control of my something and now it’s staring me in the face again. Only this time from someone else’s eyes. I’ll do everything I can tp help them because I don’t want anyone to get as bad as I did. Especially not them – they deserve better.

I’m not a carer and a sufferer. I’ll keep you updated as through this I can show what’s behind the illness and how to help which will hopefully help someone somewhere. I will keep the person’s identity secret, so If they are reading this don’t worry, no one knows and I wont give up on you.

C

Let’s Get Physical

Because I’ve been going on and on about how I feel fat lately my partner has decided to help me by making me exercise as it will make me feel better and stop me being ‘such a woman’ lol 😉 . We’ve mentioned it once or twice before and now he’s actually going to get me to exercise.

My stomach has puppy fat which I’m not used to and very conscious of and I’ve always had a thing about my thighs being big and no matter how much my partner says otherwise I still can’t shift the feeling. I was reluctant to start exercising,

1) because I’m a lazy bum at heart 🙂

2) I don’t want to burn off the weight I’m putting on – my partner says I wont burn it off I’ll will just turn it into muscle and it will make me feel better as I’ll be toned

3) last time I exercised was in the middle of a really bad spout of anorexia where I ate a lot less than I should and did a lot of exercising till it hurt and burning off more weight than I was putting on and starved my self down to a bag of bones. But this time I’ll have my partner here to help and he’ll make sure I don’t go into overdrive or do damage to myself.

So we have a schedule where we jog for three days a week and do sit ups for another 3, alternating between the two, on the seventh day we’ll rest…yesterday we did nothing so that’s the rest day gone. We’re going to jog around the park near by working up slowly from one lap with rests to more difficult jogs. With the sit ups we’re going to start by doing 5, resting for 2 minutes, 5 sit ups, rest and repeat until we’ve done 25 sit ups, we’re also thinking about taking up climbing as my partner used to do it a lot and has stopped so we might start doing it together, also in the summer he wants to take me  on cycle rides to work the stomach muscles as this is the bit that bothers me most.

Jogging commences today…wish me luck

C

LOL!!! :D

LOL!!!!!

Bit naughty but hey ho

Bit naughty but hey ho

the future of me xp

This is probably me in the near future xp

Quite relevant 🙂

At the opposite end of the scale…

I found this ad in my inbox, it was in French and when I translated it it sounded like a Spam advert, but then when I logged into my other blog (Pirkeavot) it was in English.

I read through it and decided to post it here as it sounds interesting:

100 pounds overweight, loaded up on steroids and suffering from a debilitating autoimmune disease, Joe Cross is at the end of his rope and the end of his hope. In the mirror he saw a 310lb man whose gut was bigger than a beach ball and a path laid out before him that wouldn’t end well- with one foot already in the grave, the other wasn’t far behind. FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD is an inspiring film that chronicles Joe’s personal mission to regain his health. With doctors and conventional medicines unable to help long- term, Joe turns to the only option left, the body’s ability to heal itself. He trades in the junk food and hits the road with juicer and generator in tow, vowing only to drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice for the next 60 days. Across 3,000 miles Joe has one goal in mind: To get off his pills and achieve a balanced lifestyle. While talking to more than 500 Americans about food, health and longevity, it’s at a truck stop in Arizona where Joe meets a truck driver who suffers from the same rare condition. Phil Staples is morbidly obese weighing in at 429 lbs; a cheeseburger away from a heart-attack. As Joe is recovering his health, Phil begins his own epic journey to get well. What emerges is nothing short of amazing – an inspiring tale of healing and human connection. Part road trip, part self-help manifesto, FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD defies the traditional documentary format to present an unconventional and uplifting story of two men from different worlds who each realize that the only person who can save them is themselves.

So, OK, it’s not about anorexia, but then to look at one side of the coin and ignore the other it just causing a whole new set of problems for people in the opposite situation. The website for the film is here: http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

I’ll defiantly be taking a look if I can and would advise everyone to do the same 🙂

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

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