An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘stomach’

PARTAY!!! (a good stepping stone)

So, I went to a friends 18th and it was a house party. ‘Twas the first house party I’ve ever been too and had a Hawaiian theme…because I like the punk/grunge style I have nothing remotely flowery or colourful…so I improvised with a sarong and a crop top. Which meant I would be showing my stomach off in public. For the first time. To my friends. And with my ‘new’ stomach (As in I have some meat on me now). And I was ok.

I got a bit nervous before hand; would I look slutty? would people call me fat?

But all that happened was I got some funny/surprised looks which were mainly people surprised I had actually done that as I tend to be covered up.

I also got a complement, one of my friends said “I looked over and I was like “ooh Chevonne has her stomach out!”, you have a good stomach” which was nice and gave me a confidence boost.

I had a good time and now feel more confident with my self

Ok so I don’t have a perfect toned stomach

Ok so I’m not a model

Ok so I don’t quite have the curvaceous figure I would like

But my body isn’t that bad

It’s actually quite nice…

Which I think is quite a good step forward for me ūüôā

 

Here are some pics of me from said partay, enjoy xp

my favorite:

me and my partner:

I’m the crazy one on the right:

super cool dancing:

And down again…

So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.

  1. I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage¬†pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:

Taken off celebritystomach.com...really not helping me...

I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in¬†every way¬†and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.

2. I have really bad¬†delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† 3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without ¬†crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back ¬†due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† 4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia¬†Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up…¬†admittedly¬†the writer is befriending the¬†disease¬†rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered¬†worshiping¬†nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born¬†Christianity¬†has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still¬†worshiping¬†God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…

So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke

Fun

Exercising

So, I have been pretty crap with my¬†exercising, as in I haven’t been doing it. I’ve been too reliant on my partner to do it with me and remind me to do it, forgetting he needs his own time outside of me.

So I am branching out alone, sometimes I’ll do it with him which will be nice, but I’ve got to be more self-sustaining. So as of last night I’m going it alone.

My routine put together by my partner consists of:

  • 2 sets of 5 obliques (laying down, crossing one leg over the other at a right angle and putting the opposite elbow to it, to right elbow to right knee)

  • 2 sets of 10 curls (laying down, lifting body up with stomach)

  • Cycling for two minutes (this isn’t actual cycling, you lay on your back and make the cycling movement in the air)

  • Two sets of 10 side planks (you lay on your side with your legs out straight and lift the top leg up a bit, then down without the touching your ankles, so you have to hold it)

This lady is holding herself up but because of my weedy arms I lay down

  • Repeat once more and stop

I only do what my partner has set me to make sure I don’t over do myself and start¬†manically¬†exercising¬†to loose as much weight as possible and start going backwards again. I might try using small weights to¬†build¬†up arm muscle as well…since i’m such a weed ūüôā

The obliques and curls work my stomach, the plank works my legs (don’t feel comfortable with my thighs *que massive male groaning* lol) and the cycling does both. Because it’s been such a big obsession of mine (one I was doing nothing about, I just grumbled most evenings about ¬†my figure) my partner laid it out to me as I can either learn to love my body and see it as he does,¬†exercise¬†to get the body I want or go back to starving myself and undo all the past months work. I’m not ready to start tackling the mental side of my anorexia yet, and neither of us want me to go backwards, so I decided to stop being a lazy bum and work on it.

I want to go swimming with my friends at some point, so I want to tone up a bit for that, so I now have a target of getting toned ready for it.

I want a stomach like this:

As opposed to this:

This isn't actually me...it's just an image from Google

I just want to be able to wear a bikini and not worry about my stomach (swim suits don’t fit me as I have a long body), or tie up my t-shirt in the summer when it’s warm and not be¬†conscious, to be able to wear that little black dress and not worry. So there is my aim, and here begins the work.

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if¬†something¬†goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and¬†practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

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