An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘school’

AARRGGHHH!!!!

Exam stress is REALLY starting to set in now

Bad Week

School has taken over my life
I have no hobbies
Stressing
Frustrated at people
7 years of following the rules and now in the last few weeks I begin to slip and everyone is hounding me
Frustrated
Sad I have to leave all my friends and family in a few months to go to uni – this is the life i’ve always known and it’s about to end

just in a bad way

and the sun owes an apology for being WELL overdue
Story of my life at the moment

Why I’m at home…again again

I’ve only been in school this week on Monday.

Since going back to school I’ve been up till at least 11:00pm trying to get my work done for school…no big deal for most but I’m normally in bed by 10.

I woke up on Tuesday and felt terrible, I was exhausted and felt fragile. I couldn’t face school. Same yesterday. I got better by the evening, but I slept terribly and couldn’t conjure up the energy for school. I was up late on both Tuesday and Wednesday trying to get my final piece of coursework done. I want to do Fashion Design at uni, so getting the last bit of my Textiles portfolio on my final dress was vital, I couldn’t relax until I’d got it done and I didn’t eat as I was so focused on getting it done…my old anorexia technique of ignoring hunger pains – no matter how bad – kicked back in and it was my partner who made me eat (he’s off too because his braces had elastics put in the other day to pull his jaw forward so he’s in a lot of pain).

My portfolio is done but I couldn’t sleep, my mind was going at 100mph and everytime I went to move I rolled into my partner which woke me up (he didn’t sleep well either) and then I’d dream and wake up and not be able to sleep…so I moved to the floor and it wasn’t much better.

I’ve only been out the house today for a hospital appointment (I have a 4cm cyst in my right ovary…funnnnnnn) and I’ll be in school tomorrow for the morning because I can’t miss an important media lesson. Then I might stay or I might return to my hermit cave.

Although on the good side my bulimic best friend has a Councillor and a sense of purpose as her studies are finally taking off and she’s tipped for big future success…and she has a date 🙂 So she’s happy.

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

I’ll Be Back

I’m under a lot of stress from school at the moment as I have my big final Textiles project in for Thursday and it keeps going wrong…so once that’s done I’ll find time to sit down and give you lots of lovely updates…

C

After a good start with this new blog things have definatly slowed down in terms of posts and activity, bear with me…the Christmas holidays are coming up and I’ll be able to write in more detail, school is just sapping me dry 😦

the last time I weighed myself (two weeks ago) I was 8stone3, this is the longest I have every stayed above 8 stone, it’s normally a few days then I drop again, so that’s something at least. 

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