An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘stress’

The Cake Off

So, as you may or may not know I have recently started baking with my partner, and as me and my partner are bored of the school-home routine my Mum suggested we organize a big baking competition with my friends, and thus, The Cake Off was born.

My bulimic friend didn’t make it, but I did OK. I had two home cooked burgers and a panini for brunch and despite getting a bit stressed in the morning and going to bed at 11:45pm (O.o) I did quite well. I stayed awake and happy for the day. We had 12 different cakes (below)

I managed seven different slices before finally admitting defeat, and although there is still masses left, I only had one small anorexic attack and that was when I was overtired the night before and suddenly got scared at the amount of calories I was going to consume the next day.

I also managed to run around with the others in the park without getting tired and having to lie down like I have had to before which is good 🙂

Although we’ve all decided it would be a good idea to leave it for at least 6 months until we do another one so our intestines have time to recover 🙂

 

 

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Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

I’ll Be Back

I’m under a lot of stress from school at the moment as I have my big final Textiles project in for Thursday and it keeps going wrong…so once that’s done I’ll find time to sit down and give you lots of lovely updates…

C

Here We Go Again…Welcome To The Edge…

So I’m meant to be at school but I’m home ill.

I’ve been finding it harder than normal to get out of bed and get moving every morning, I’ve been getting later and later everyday and have less motivation each time. I NEED a break, I ran out of steam last Friday and I’ve been running on empty all week.

I missed two days last week being ill and having uni interviews so I had work to catch up on resulting in 7 essays to do for Friday and finding this out on Weds.

On Tuesday  I went into school and couldn’t read or write for a day as every time I looked down my head started spinning.

Yesterday I was stressed and today I woke up even more stressed.

It’s that time of month so I’m not 100% anyway. I’m stressed with all the essays. Worried about uni, will I get in? Will me and my partner be together or apart? If we’re apart how will we cope? If we’re apart will we fall apart like my friend and her partner are? How will I cope at uni with my illnesses?

So I have no lessons today and I spent the first lesson doing my first essay. I hadn’t had time to brush my teeth or put my makeup on that morning so I did that half way through. Finished and was still in a bad mood as I was now in pain from the period (I suffer badly). I felt deflated, exhausted, stressed, down and irritable. I was playing Angry Birds to chill for a bit then a girl who I’ll call M came along and intentionally jogged me even though she could see I was in a bad mood, so rather than being careful round me like everyone she pissed me off…smooth. Just for some background knowledge M is supposed to be one of my best friends best friend, but has been a right cow to her lately and she’s just generally annoying as she has been for the last two years as she’s very self centered and thinks the world of herself. A lot of my friends sing and they were standing there singing Queen songs and she was shouting at them to shut up, saying they were annoying and pissing me off, they’re enjoying themselves why should they shut up for a stupid bitch who doesn’t even like them and should really move if they’re that annoying but no, she’s the center of the world and too lazy to move.

I ended up telling her to shut up and she said “No I’m not, I’m not gonna shut up just because you’re in a bad mood”…well if you know i’m in a bad mood why are you pushing me? I ended up telling her what I thought of her, that’s she’s a bitch to my best friend and she was going on about “you have no idea what she’s said to me…you don’t know half the story to shut up…omg I can’t be bothered with this…stay out of other peoples business…etc etc”

When she went I ended up collapsing in tears on my partner, I’d had enough, I wanted to punch M and another girl, it was all too much but I couldn’t say this because I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling.

After about 10 mins I told him to go to his lesson as he needed to and I didn’t want him to get into trouble and I collapsed on my stuff. Two of my friends came over and looked after me, we ended up eating chocolate and talking about what food’s shouldn’t be tried, like chocolate bacon.

Still, everyone was annoying me. M is probably gonna moan to my best friend. My best friends may or may not get upset with me. My tutor will be pissed I didn’t turn up to her unscheduled lesson and give me a lecture. Another stupid girl is pissing me off. Little things that I normally ignore are all too much. I don’t know if I can stand going in tomorrow. I’ll do all I can to get my essays done. But I don’t know what will happen next. I expect when M finds out I went home she will attribute it to her wonderful arguing skills and say how lame and sad I am and pride herself on pissing me off. But right now I don’t give. I can’t. I haven’t got the energy. The holidays start in two days and I hope to start again afterwards.

C

After a good start with this new blog things have definatly slowed down in terms of posts and activity, bear with me…the Christmas holidays are coming up and I’ll be able to write in more detail, school is just sapping me dry 😦

the last time I weighed myself (two weeks ago) I was 8stone3, this is the longest I have every stayed above 8 stone, it’s normally a few days then I drop again, so that’s something at least. 

Just a quick update

I have gone from 7stone13 (I lost weight) to 8stone1. I am finally seeing someone for psychiatric help again next Monday (14th). Life’s tough at the moment with illness and stress but on the up side I’m beginning to enjoy food and actually be able to taste it properly now which is a plus 🙂

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