So, I’m 10 months into beating anorexia and I have to say I’m feeling positive. I’m still on a body confidence high from friday night, so I’m feeling good about myself. I’d still like slightly bigger breasts to be more curvaceous, and to muscle up mu arms a bit and I still need to come to terms with my thighs and sort out my posture, but it’s nothing a little excercise or a decent push up bra (every now and then) can’t fix.
In terms of food, I enjoy it. I like it. I can taste flavours and textures and I’m beginning to distinguish between them and actually get some favourite meals. I’m still cooking, last night me and my partner cooked a coconut cake…the coconut icing failed and yellow food dye is a bad idea…but we mixed up some pink butter icing and saved it 🙂 I’m not an organic health freak anymore either. As well as not eating, when I did used to eat I would be convinced that chocolate was bad and I could only eat muesli bars and fruit…I also considered going vegetarian for a while and my Mum put refused to cook me vegetarian food because she knew I wasn’t eating right and as a vegetarian I would be even less healthy.
But all in all I feel good about myself. I feel more confident. I went out and bought some bright red lipstick the other day (It’s actually more purple-y because the bright red was a little too much for me too handle but it’s still the same thing) which is something I’ve wanted to do but never had the confidence to wear.
Hopefully this will continue, I’m still not ‘cured’ and I know in a few weeks I will probably be stressing out, comfort eating, feeling crap and just generally not being well…but at this moment in time I feel good. And I just thought I’d share it because I’m quite proud of it.
Ok, sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve been struggling with school work and stuff, but I’ll be more vocal again.
The good news is I’m now 8stone 10 pounds. I remembered the other day my goal when I was anorexic ws 7 stone 7 pounds…so I’m a stone heavier than I was then 🙂
Whilst trolling through my Facebook I found this picture from March last year taken a few days after I started my relationship with my partner (we celebrated our first anniversary on Thursday :D) I’m fourth from the left and it shows how skinny I was back then…
Just for comparison this was taken around New Years time…even I have to admit I’m looking better…and that’s not something I say everyday
I’ve gained weight…I’m healthier…I fight off infections faster…but sometimes it still seems I have so much further to go, and it gets harder to explain to some people what I mean…sometimes it seems no matter how many times I say it or in how many different ways it still doesn’t get through to you…
“So go out and party, like you’re not broken-hearted coz you’ll always just be stuck on repeat…”
~Repeat – David Guetta ft. Jessie J ~
8 stone 7 pounds (+1 pound)
The good news is two weeks ago I hit 8.4/8.5 stone 😀 the bad news is I’ve had a really bad week this week with lack of sleep and being ridiculously busy so it’s more than likely I’ve lost weight. I missed dinner on Tuesday because I was out filming for a school project, I didn’t realize till later that night when I had a migraine and was absolutely shattered, I didn’t think much of it until my partner pointed out if I miss seven lunches in a year then that’s about two days of food I’ve missed. I hadn’t looked at it like that, but it made me really take note when he said it.
Due to my lack of sleep I’m just cranky and get snappy over nothing. I’ll write more about this another time, but the feelings are too fresh and they’re beginning to sap at my strength again.
Oh, I’ve started therapy but they’ve been mucking me around and are too general rather than really going in depth into my problems so I’m considering going private…
So one problem i have with anorexia is when begin to feel full i stop eating although i know i can keep going, but after years of habit i feel sick at the sight of food and can’t continue.
I often find it hard to do things for me, as in if i’m doing something solely for my benifit i often give up because over time i loose interest or it becomes to much, so like I said in my last post, I remembered how it would help my other half, if I can beat this I would never have to see his face falls when I refuse, I wouldn’t have to see the worry in his eyes as he begins to worry if this is going to lead to my death, I wouldn’t hurt him any more.
So to help I decided to draw a K on my thumb (K being the first letter of my partners name) in the hopes that this might help, so that when I begin to give up, I can look at it and be reminded why I am doing this.