An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘me’

Me and My Body – Red vs. Blond/Big Breasts vs. Small Breasts

NB: If you are a blond/brunette/black haired person or if you are big breasted please do not be insulted by the following post as it is not my meant to be. It is just me saying what I found on Google. I love people with other colour hair and larger breasts and I’m sure you are lovely too, this was just me being very blunt to build up some self-esteem for myself as I feel very threatened by people who are the stereotype of sexy or more well endowed than me. I am just trying to build myself up so I can recover. Many Thanks

C

So…as you all probably know I am not comfortable with my body. Lately it’s got worse. So I went a-Googling to try and build some self esteem.

Firstly…I’m a red head/Ginger/Carrot Top/Oh No Her Head Is On Fire/Freckle Face which means for most people I am a no no in terms of attraction…so I looked up ‘Hot Red Heads’

Google did not say “There are no results that match your search”…instead it came up with “About 1,370,000 results (0.35 seconds)”…that’s a lot of Red in half a second. Some pictures were captioned with: “Redheads – Do we need any other colour?” and “Redhead – Epic Sexiness Personified”.

If you google “hot blonds” you get 2,780,000 versions of this:

If you google “hot red heads” you get this sort of thing:

Yes there are the obvious one’s of red’s in their underwear…but we don’t look nearly half as slutty and sleazy as blonde’s. So what this says about me is:

  • I am a rare breed which makes me more unique
  • Red hair is described as a ‘red flag to a bull’ and is a colour associated with passion and fire so it gets guys interested
  • I can be sexy without be slutty
  • And i’m more dignified
My next problem is breast size. I’m tiny. Like tiny with a capital T. So I googled big breasts and little breasts and compared.
Some one else (unsurprisingly) was doing the same debate of big vs. little. I have to say small suits her better, the big makes her look out of proportion and the majority of guys would want her for her tits…sadly.
I wandered round various Google debates and foun it from many different sides…man/woman/girl who wants implants/guy who doesn’t understand the  fuss and this was the general concencous
  • Guys do not like implants as they are harder than natural
  • From a guys point of view it depends on if they are in proportion i.e. size 4 with DD’s bad, size 12 with DD good
  • They really don’t mind as much as they are made out to, yes they have an opinion, but it isn’t the be all and end all of physical attraction
My Bonsai Breasts is an article I found about a woman with tiny breasts and her epiphany years later about how it doesn’t really matter what size they are and to learn to love them.
007 Breasts despite the name this is not a site of beautiful Bond Girl style breasts…it is just normal people and their breasts, from completely flat to E Cups + it is just women and their normal breasts, whether their droopy, perky, have huge or inverted nipples, massive areolas (the circle around the nipple) they’re all here. They come here and write their stories and show what they have, and it’s all 100% home grown goodness. In  The Normal Breast Gallery there are hundreds of women, and looking through the images and stories made me feel better about what I have and let me know I am ‘normal’ as normal covers everyone without surgically enhanced breasts.
I am a red head and my partner loves me for it, I am not an ugly carrot top.
I have small breasts and I don’t have to feel ashamed to admit it because this is me and I am what I am.
So if you are at a stage like me of coming to terms with yourself…the mantra I literally just came up with to repeat to yourself is:
This is me and I am what I am
C

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

It’s Not What It Looks Like

When you start out with an idea, a drive, an incentive, it seems possible, you can see the goal and how you’ll get there. The first few steps are easy because you’re filled with an unstoppable force, then you step back to see how far you’ve come, and realize you haven’t really come that far at all.

I don’t want to eat because I’m not hungry, which means I don’t eat – at all. When I feel hungry I ignore it because I’m busy, because I spent years believing that to be so hungry that it hurts was good because I would remain thin, I would become beautiful through pain, no pain no gain.

I wasn’t beautiful, I was gaunt and always tired.

Now I’ve realized I’m no further than I was before. I get hungry and ignore it. I wonder whats the point when I cant do this without help – or can I? I’m too tired to try.

A small breakthrough happened the other day though. I never have an opinion on food, I eat to be alive to enjoy. I was round my partners parents house and his step-dad handed me a fork with a slice of meat on it. It was juicy, it was soft and it was very flavoursome. I told him it was very good as an automatic response of politeness before realizing I had enjoyed it. For the first time I had enjoyed something, I had tasted it, felt its texture in my mouth and not just registered I was eating. There was enjoyment in a small lump of meat. I had tried to enjoy food by eating it slower, taking time to taste all the flavours, feel the texture and actually enjoy it. But this wasn’t even voluntary, this was just an automatic thing. Maybe there is hope?

There are many people around me who have suffered with anorexia, they say its hard but its possible to beat. Somehow I think I underestimated what I have to do. This is probably about more than just food, this is me, this is my psyche and what I have been through. I know my anorexia is me trying to be perfect after a troubled childhood. But there’s always hope. And hope is all I have. 

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