An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘food’

The Joys of Exams

So I just two retakes in two days and the amount of revision has given me eye strain ūüė¶

I have also recently started comfort eating which is a very¬†weird¬†concept for me…I never comfort eat but I have struck up a very close relationship with chocolate right now…hopefully this will be beneficial to me ūüôā

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My Big Come Back

After a few months of silence I’m gonna try and write more¬†regularly, preferable once a week at least about how the¬†anorexia¬†is going, how I’m coping etc.

So the big news is I’ve succesfully managed to stay above 8 stone for about two months and for about two to four weeks I was 8stone6 which is the heaviest I’ve ever been, at the moment I’ve dropped to 8stone3 and although I was dissapointed my partner pointed out I’m still above 8stone which means I’m doing really well ūüôā

 

I’ve had a few moments where I feel out of proportion/ugly/fat and have sat down with my partner who has tirelessly talked through everything with me. My main issues are:

1) My stomach is out of proportion with my breasts because my stomach sticks out a bit further than my breasts

My partner pointed out I’m not and he prefers me with more fat on me because when he met me (10 months ago) he was¬†genuinely¬†frightened by how skinny I was. He also said if it bothers me that much he will do muscle toning¬†exercises¬†with me if it bothers me that much but he likes me as I am. (He’d do them with me to make sure I’m not over doing it because the last time I did exercises I was eating less and exercising¬†ridiculously¬†which meant I was burning off more than I was putting in, although I’m eating more he still wants to make sure I’m not doing it wrong or too much so I don’t undo the work I’ve done or start going backwards)

2) My backside is out of proportion

It isn’t as my partner points out, I’m just being over¬†judgmental¬†and¬†actually¬†have an ass rather than most girls who have nothing there at all

3) My thighs are huge

They aren’t, I just have thighs unlike most girls, I have CURVES not tree trunks lol

4) I’m ugly

My partner just says “You’re beautiful just the way you are and you should try and see it”

 

I’ve lately been feeling low, which is causing me some problems as I don’t understand why but I’m just working through each day as it comes and hoping I realize why.

 

I have started seeing a lady as CAMHS (a local mental health service) but after a promising start it’s a dead end. All that happens is I sit in a room with my partner, mother and the lady for an hour and tell her about my life, this lasts about 40 minutes and them I’m stuck sitting there for 20 minutes like a lemon with no one having anything to say, it’s not helping it’s just wasting my time and although my mum has hinted we could try to do things to the lady, nothing ever changes. I contacted I local therapist/psychologist who said she doesn’t work with people under 18 so I have no help at the moment, I asked people on RecoverYourLife.com who suggested I ask Connextions or ask CAMHS if I can see any one else.

Over the Christmas period I went and spent a week with my¬†partner’s¬†dad, step-mum and step-sister and his step-mum (T) use to have¬†anorexia, she told me when she started beating it she was ‘out of proportion’ like me and said it’s because when you start eating more, your body turns it in to fat to save it up whilst its getting more, but over time as you continue the increased food intake your stomach will reduce and you’ll fill out all over. So over time I should become normal again…or go overboard and my body turns out to be a suppressed Katie Price lmao…I damn sure hope not ūüėČ

Just as something to leave you with, here are two picture of me, one from the prom June 2010 (purple dress) and the other from the prom December 2011 (red dress) so you can see the difference:

2010

2011

Any News?

The good news is two weeks ago I hit 8.4/8.5 stone ūüėÄ the bad news is¬†I’ve¬†had a really bad week this week with lack of sleep and being¬†ridiculously¬†busy so it’s more than likely I’ve lost weight. I missed dinner on Tuesday because I was out filming for a school¬†project, I didn’t realize till later that night when I had a¬†migraine¬†and was¬†absolutely¬†shattered, I didn’t think much of it until my partner pointed out if I miss seven lunches in a year then¬†that’s¬†about two days of food I’ve missed. I hadn’t looked at it like that, but it made me really take note when he said it.

Due to my lack of sleep I’m just cranky and get snappy over nothing. I’ll write more about this another time, but the feelings are too fresh and they’re beginning to sap at my strength again.

Oh, I’ve started therapy but they’ve been mucking me around and are too general rather than really going in depth into my problems so I’m considering going private…

Just a quick update

I have gone from 7stone13 (I lost weight) to 8stone1. I am finally seeing someone for psychiatric help again next Monday (14th). Life’s tough at the moment with illness and stress but on the up side I’m beginning to enjoy food and actually be able to taste it properly now which is a plus ūüôā

Sometimes…

Sometimes ¬†forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.

I used to think¬†anorexia¬†was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m¬†effectively¬†killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.

I’m not living – I’m surviving.

Boredom, Recklessness and Mood Swings

One thing they don’t tell you of when you get mentally ill is the danger of becoming bored of being ill, like I have. I’m tired of being tired, hungry, ill, depressed and unable to eat/drink/do what I want when ¬†I want.

I can’t eat fast food because my body is too¬†sensitive¬†to cope with the protein shock,¬†I can’t drink fizzy drinks because my body is too¬†sensitive¬†to cope with the sugar rush, I can’t go on¬†roller coaster¬†and rides at theme parks because I have an irregular heartbeat and can’t breath. I used to be able to do all this, I had fun and loved it, but now I have to stand and watch people having fun. go¬†searching¬†for alternative food when everyone’s buying¬†McDonald’s, I’m sick of being unable to join in.

This recently came to a head when me and my partner went on a ride at a theme park. It was like Vortex at Thorpe¬†Park¬†but with dry ice and strobe lighting. When we were walking onto the ride on the sign it said “Do not ride if you have heart problems”. I knew I would have a problem, but hoped maybe this time it would be different. It was different – it was worse. I began to get doubts as we were getting strapped in, the dry ice was shot out the floor up into our faces (dry ice can affect breathing anyway so already I can’t breathe normally but hadn’t yet realized), the ride began to spin and swing higher and higher. The strobe lighting kicked in (which can make me have blackouts where I have no memory of what happened for the duration of the blackout but I continue to do the last thing on my mind, which if it is to get off the ride I will even if it’s still in motion), so already I can’t breathe and at risk of loosing¬†consciousness¬†to some degree. As the swinging got higher¬†every time¬†we reached the height my heart stopped, the swing down made me feel sick and the¬†spinning¬†was disorienting me, in between stopping beating my heart would then beat abnormally slowly for resting let alone on a spinning, swinging ride. It was bad but controllable, my partner turned round to look at me and could see something was wrong “What’s wrong?” he shouted over the heavy dance track, I told him nothing but he knew I was lying. As the swinging and spinning began to slow down to stop I told him I’d be fine, then an¬†automated¬†voice shouted at us “Scream if you want some more”. We weren’t stopping we were going again and I knew I was loosing control. So we began to swing higher, I tried shutting my eyes but when we swung it felt worse like there was a huge force against my chest preventing me from breathing, I opened my eyes and the giant¬†Ferris¬†wheel at the other end of the fair ground was underneath me, disorientated I was pulled backwards by the swing, by this time my partner was shouting at me, terrified I would pass out and not be revived in time. I decided to focus on a single point so I focused on the face of the ¬†man opposite me, but I could see the ground racing towards me from behind him, I gripped my partner’s hand as he tried to signal to them to stop the ride, I couldn’t breathe, my partner was terrified and there was no way off. Finally the ride stopped and I managed to walk off with my partner supporting me as my legs felt shaky, light and like they could collapse at any moment, when we sat down on the grass my partner held me tight and we refused to let go of each other for a few minutes, we couldn’t hear each other talk over the loud music so we walked to a quieter spot. I explained what had happened and my partner said he thought he was going to lose me, especially when I shut my eyes as he thought I had fainted. We held each other close, I said sorry over and over again, told him I’d done it because I’m tired of being ill, he understood and made me swear never to do anything like that again.

Eventually I’ve become a danger to myself.

Mood swings are a huge problem for me too, I have bipolar disorder so I have a lot of them, and depending on my mood my appetite drastically changes, if I’m depressed I don’t feel¬†hungry¬†and people have to remind me to eat, if I’m anxious I can only eat a small amount or I feel physically sick. So not only am I dangerous I’m dictated by my illnesses.

Que vicious circle. 

It’s Not What It Looks Like

When you start out with an idea, a drive, an incentive, it seems possible, you can see the goal and how you’ll get there. The first few steps are easy because you’re filled with an unstoppable force, then you step back to see how far you’ve come, and realize you haven’t really come that far at all.

I don’t want to eat because I’m not hungry, which means I don’t eat – at all. When I feel hungry I ignore it because I’m busy, because I spent years¬†believing¬†that to be so hungry that it hurts was good because I would remain thin, I would become beautiful through pain, no pain no gain.

I wasn’t beautiful, I was gaunt and always tired.

Now I’ve realized I’m no further than I was before. I get hungry and ignore it. I wonder whats the point when I cant do this without help – or can I? I’m too tired to try.

A small breakthrough happened the other day though. I never have an opinion on food, I eat to be alive to¬†enjoy. I was round my partners parents house and his¬†step-dad¬†handed me a fork with a slice of meat on it. It was juicy, it was soft and it was very¬†flavoursome. I told him it was very good as an automatic¬†response¬†of¬†politeness¬†before realizing I had enjoyed it. For the first time I had enjoyed something, I had tasted it, felt its texture in my mouth and not just¬†registered¬†I was eating. There was enjoyment in a small lump of meat. I had tried to enjoy food by eating it slower, taking time to taste all the flavours, feel the texture and actually enjoy¬†it. But this wasn’t even voluntary, this was just an automatic thing.¬†Maybe¬†there is hope?

There are many people around me who have suffered with¬†anorexia, they say its hard but its possible to beat. Somehow I think I underestimated what I have to do. This is probably about more than just food, this is me, this is my psyche and what I have been through. I know my anorexia is me trying to be perfect after a troubled childhood. But there’s always hope. And hope is all I have.¬†

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