So after the confidence boost a few days ago…it’s back to square 1. Again.
- I spent a whole day at work unable to feel good because I was convinced my stomach was huge. I slouch so that probably didn’t help. I thought I was beginning to look like I was pregnant…even though I’m on my period…and not sexually active. And I thought other people were thinking the same, I was expecting people to start giving me the dirty looks for being another teenage pregnancy, or asking when it was due, and for my Dad to pull me aside and demand to know what the hell was going on. All because I don’t look like this:
I felt fat and when I spoke to my partner he said I don’t do anything because I’m always tired, despite having the building blocks (the newly gained fat) because my body has had to save fat and give me small amounts of energy because of almost 10 years of starving myself, so now it has it all, it doesn’t know what to do with it, so I have to train it through exercise. He says “I love you just the way you are” and says how when we first met he was worried because I was so thin, and that the day I see me how he see’s me – as a ‘saucy hot red head whose perfect in every way and so so so gorgeous – he will be happy with what he has achieved.
2. I have really bad delusions. Every night I’m convinced something is coming to get me, it’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting to race up and get me, behind the banister to grab me and drag me down, walking round downstairs lying in wait, on the landing, in the room with me. It means I can’t get out of bed to go to the toilet, and sometimes I’m too scared to even go and do my teeth before bed.
3. I have no energy. I go to bed at 9 and I’m still shattered the next day. I can’t go out for a day with my friends without crashing out. Today I lasted until early afternoon after getting off the train at 10. We did spend the whole time on our feet but no one else was dead and fell asleep on the way back due to NO energy at all. I ate oatcakes (slow release energy) I took it slow, made sure I had enough to drink and still…no. I died.
4. I also typed in ‘Anorexia Diary’ into Google and another anorexia diary came up… admittedly the writer is befriending the disease rather than fighting it…but I still feel shit. I’m not interesting, is there any point in me writing? Does anyone care? My aim was to help people…am I? or am I just taking up pixels?
5. I’m having religious problems too. I’ve left the Baptist church because it all seemed stupid one day and I disagree with the way the Bible is interpreted these days. As I feel closer to the Divine Being in nature I considered worshiping nature like a pagan or wiccan. But since I was born Christianity has taught me that sort of this is forbidden and will send you to hell. But I’m still worshiping God/Allah/Divine Being whatever you call it, and I believe we all worship the same God, just under different names, so there’s no real problem, but it’s forbidden…but it’s the same…but I can’t…but I can…
So all in all I feel shit, it’s dark and rainy outside and my S.A.D. lamp is broke