An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘beauty’

I am b-e-a-utiful

My New Idols and How I’m Going To Boost My Self-Confidence :) Part 1

I realized my biggest cause of my self esteem is because I’m still subconsciously idolizing mannequins which aren’t shaped like real people, they’re based on real people…but should come with a health warning to let you know you’re not supposed to look like this…as I’ve spent years thinking my hips, thighs and stomach were too big, my boobs were too small, my hair wasn’t glossy enough, my posture wasn’t right and my legs weren’t long enough.

Warning: I'm faker than Katie Price

So with encouragement from my partner we devised a plan:

  • New idols
  • I have to complement myself on one physical aspect of mine a day
  • I have to praise myself when I do things good/right and tell my partner 10 things I praised myself for
  • To be more committed to exercise…
So I went in search of a body to idolize…I don’t really like celeb culture and they all screw up at some point so that’s a no no…modelling is a minefield…so I Googled “Good bodies” and after some searching I found this:
Ooh look…real women…real bodies…real proportions…so far so good. This then led me a section of Glamour Magazine’s website where they are celebrating real women’s bodies and super models who aren’t super thin. The first thing I found was a section from the magazine’s editor: On the C.L.: Are You Ready to Start a Body Image Revolution? Oh, Wait–You Already Did! saying how after the amazing responses they got back from Lizzie Miller being included in one issue of Glamour Magazine they will try and put a bigger variation of body sizes in the magazine…so more normal women. The article about the picture was called Supermodels Who Aren’t Superthin: Meet the Women Who Proudly Bared it All I took the images and women’s stories from here to make my own Inspiration Posters which I’m gonna stick by my mirror, so whenever I look in the mirror and feel dissatisfied I can look at them and feel better:
Feel Free to use if you want 🙂 I then read These Bodies are Beautiful at Every Size which is about how the people’s desire for magazines is changing, people don’t want waif thin models, they want real beauties, British Vogue editor Alexander Shulman personally wrote to big fashion brands asking them to provide bigger sample clothes at fashion shoots, rather than clothes for size 0-4, give them bigger sizes so they can use bigger models and models don’t have to try and fit the clothes rather than vice-versa, it also outlines Glamour Magazine’s new revised proposal which includes frequently larger models. The image that started this all off was this:
The majority of replies that flooded the magazine were supporting her, saying how beautiful and inspirational she was…but some people said she was promoting obesity…SHE’S A SIZE 12!!!! HOW IS SHE IN ANYWAY OBESE?? OBESE!!!!!
but here’s the accompanying article about the storm it started: On the C.L.: The Picture You Can’t Stop Talking About: Meet “the Woman on p. 194”

Me, Myself and I

I’ve recently been having trouble with my anorexia again and feeling out of proportion and ugly so I went searching for what REAL woman’s bodies look like. I’ve always looked at mannequins as my idols and have only recently realized they are not the true proportions of a woman as their hips are too thin. So I went looking at what a real woman looks like and came across an interesting article which I thought I would share

Click here to read it, it’s all about thinner women earning more, but men preferring curves not bones from women they are in relationships with.

C

Isabelle Caro

This is an article about Isabelle Caro, a model who fought her anorexia and how she used her own body to create controversial campaigns to raise awareness of the disease

Link to article:   —>    Isabelle Caro Article

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I feel like I’m the ugliest of them all

My anorexia has come back today. I was getting changed and saw my stomach in the mirror, I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m not used to having fat on me so to me I look out of proportion and hideous. I don’t understand why my partner likes me. I feel repulsed by myself, I hate to think about it.

I can’t stand the sight of me, right now.

I told my partner and he told me to stop it, I mustn’t let myself go backwards. It wasn’t healthy how I was and I’m still not healthy enough now. I need to eat and not to listen. He then spent the next few minutes stopping me from wrapping up in myself and hiding, repeatedly saying “I think you’re unbelievably beautiful”. When I had begun to get out of the mindset I was very sleepy and he got my slow energy release oat biscuits and made me eat them, telling me that a girl in our year who models was boasting about how she’s lost half a stone and I still weigh less than her.

I’ve recovered some what although I still don’t feel ‘unbelievably beautiful’, but maybe i’ll at least feel the size I really am in time.

My Big Come Back

After a few months of silence I’m gonna try and write more regularly, preferable once a week at least about how the anorexia is going, how I’m coping etc.

So the big news is I’ve succesfully managed to stay above 8 stone for about two months and for about two to four weeks I was 8stone6 which is the heaviest I’ve ever been, at the moment I’ve dropped to 8stone3 and although I was dissapointed my partner pointed out I’m still above 8stone which means I’m doing really well 🙂

 

I’ve had a few moments where I feel out of proportion/ugly/fat and have sat down with my partner who has tirelessly talked through everything with me. My main issues are:

1) My stomach is out of proportion with my breasts because my stomach sticks out a bit further than my breasts

My partner pointed out I’m not and he prefers me with more fat on me because when he met me (10 months ago) he was genuinely frightened by how skinny I was. He also said if it bothers me that much he will do muscle toning exercises with me if it bothers me that much but he likes me as I am. (He’d do them with me to make sure I’m not over doing it because the last time I did exercises I was eating less and exercising ridiculously which meant I was burning off more than I was putting in, although I’m eating more he still wants to make sure I’m not doing it wrong or too much so I don’t undo the work I’ve done or start going backwards)

2) My backside is out of proportion

It isn’t as my partner points out, I’m just being over judgmental and actually have an ass rather than most girls who have nothing there at all

3) My thighs are huge

They aren’t, I just have thighs unlike most girls, I have CURVES not tree trunks lol

4) I’m ugly

My partner just says “You’re beautiful just the way you are and you should try and see it”

 

I’ve lately been feeling low, which is causing me some problems as I don’t understand why but I’m just working through each day as it comes and hoping I realize why.

 

I have started seeing a lady as CAMHS (a local mental health service) but after a promising start it’s a dead end. All that happens is I sit in a room with my partner, mother and the lady for an hour and tell her about my life, this lasts about 40 minutes and them I’m stuck sitting there for 20 minutes like a lemon with no one having anything to say, it’s not helping it’s just wasting my time and although my mum has hinted we could try to do things to the lady, nothing ever changes. I contacted I local therapist/psychologist who said she doesn’t work with people under 18 so I have no help at the moment, I asked people on RecoverYourLife.com who suggested I ask Connextions or ask CAMHS if I can see any one else.

Over the Christmas period I went and spent a week with my partner’s dad, step-mum and step-sister and his step-mum (T) use to have anorexia, she told me when she started beating it she was ‘out of proportion’ like me and said it’s because when you start eating more, your body turns it in to fat to save it up whilst its getting more, but over time as you continue the increased food intake your stomach will reduce and you’ll fill out all over. So over time I should become normal again…or go overboard and my body turns out to be a suppressed Katie Price lmao…I damn sure hope not 😉

Just as something to leave you with, here are two picture of me, one from the prom June 2010 (purple dress) and the other from the prom December 2011 (red dress) so you can see the difference:

2010

2011

It’s Not What It Looks Like

When you start out with an idea, a drive, an incentive, it seems possible, you can see the goal and how you’ll get there. The first few steps are easy because you’re filled with an unstoppable force, then you step back to see how far you’ve come, and realize you haven’t really come that far at all.

I don’t want to eat because I’m not hungry, which means I don’t eat – at all. When I feel hungry I ignore it because I’m busy, because I spent years believing that to be so hungry that it hurts was good because I would remain thin, I would become beautiful through pain, no pain no gain.

I wasn’t beautiful, I was gaunt and always tired.

Now I’ve realized I’m no further than I was before. I get hungry and ignore it. I wonder whats the point when I cant do this without help – or can I? I’m too tired to try.

A small breakthrough happened the other day though. I never have an opinion on food, I eat to be alive to enjoy. I was round my partners parents house and his step-dad handed me a fork with a slice of meat on it. It was juicy, it was soft and it was very flavoursome. I told him it was very good as an automatic response of politeness before realizing I had enjoyed it. For the first time I had enjoyed something, I had tasted it, felt its texture in my mouth and not just registered I was eating. There was enjoyment in a small lump of meat. I had tried to enjoy food by eating it slower, taking time to taste all the flavours, feel the texture and actually enjoy it. But this wasn’t even voluntary, this was just an automatic thing. Maybe there is hope?

There are many people around me who have suffered with anorexia, they say its hard but its possible to beat. Somehow I think I underestimated what I have to do. This is probably about more than just food, this is me, this is my psyche and what I have been through. I know my anorexia is me trying to be perfect after a troubled childhood. But there’s always hope. And hope is all I have. 

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