An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

So yesterday as I was getting ready for bed I realized I’m comfortable with my body.

I don’t feel I want implants anymore to balance my self out. This is my body, and I quite like it 🙂

If I want to make myself more ‘balanced’ in tight tops I can just put on a push up bra…solved. I don’t need surgery to feel good anymore 🙂

As far as my journey from anorexia goes this is a major break through for me, I’ve never been able to look in the mirror and like what I see. And I’ve realized there’s nothing wrong with liking what you see. It’s not vain, it’s not big-headed, it’s right. Everyone has a choice, to either look in the mirror and see yourself every morning or to look in the mirror and spend every morning getting down over your figure, over what’s wrong with it. You’re going to have this body for your whole life, you may as well get used to it 🙂

And it’s all down to my partner, his love of my body, his determination to get me to see it the way he does. Congratulating me when I manage to say I look good and making me stand in front of the mirror and really look  at myself when I think I’m ugly. Him making me eat, accepting my faults and never giving up on me when times were bad, when I’m stubborn and infuriating and accepting me, warts and all. Thank you K, I love you and owe you so much xxxoooxxx

C

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And another bad start…

So I went to the gym for the first time on Wednesday, but then soon after I got freshers flu and a bladder infection so I haven’t been able to go since.

I didn’t go to Pilates on Wednesday as I’d planned because we were running late so we just went to the gym bit of the gym 😛 I basically had an hour of induction onto the machines but I now have a weekly plan and in two weeks the guy said I’m to try the weights with the bi bar between them rather than the little hand weights.

So the machines basically focus on arms, legs and upper body muscles as I said I wanted to work on my arms and he said I’d need to work on the whole of my body or I’ll end up with some toned bits and some ‘flabby’ bits 😛 So I warm up either on the running machine or with weights – making sure all of my body is worked from legs to my neck – then I work my way round the machines which each individually work different body parts-back, top arm, bottom arm, forearm, bicep, legs, bum etc- before warming down by stretching.

I’m on antibiotics now so I should be better in about 3 days so I’ll miss another session but might go on Tuesday just to get back into it before Pilates on Wednesday 🙂

C

Gym time :)

So I still suck at doing my exercises…but in half an hour I’m heading over the road to join the gym 🙂 so now I’m paying for it I’ll HAVE to go 😛 The plan is to do Yoga on a Monday, A Pilates/Aerobics biweekly rotation every Wednesday and Zumba on a Friday 🙂 So I’ll let you know how it’s all going

I’m also going to see if I can get my anti-depressants upped to 40mg as I’m struggling with anxiety and depression and as the winter months close in things are only going to get tougher.

I also have a lovely friendship group who are looking after me and my partner 🙂

C

So if you follow Lady Gaga on twitter you’ll probably have seen this already, but for those that haven’t, she recently launched a Body Revolution on Twitter.

It started with this:

Then her fans started posting themselves, skin disorders, deformities, missing limbs it didn’t matter:

Then there was this:

I’m not always the biggest Lady Gaga fan, but I do love it when a celebrity uses their fame and their power to inspire their fans and to try and make the world a better place. So if you want to get involved go to here: https://twitter.com/ABodyRevolution to post yourself or to support others.

C

So…

Well the good news is I’m all settled in now 🙂

The bad news is I’ve lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks :/

It’s been hectic to say the least, I got set my first project on Monday which I had three days to complete, a fashion shoot on Friday and clothes into store next week (I’m doing Fashion Design if I haven’t previously said)

I’ve also started to become the person I’ve always wanted to be but always been to afraid to be. I’ve dyed my hair black and white and had my nose pierced.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how have I been doing with my  10 goals?

  1. I’ve been eating regularly and healthily  I’ve only missed about 2 meals since being here and that was because I forgot to prepare for them, but I’ve also learnt to cook 😀 I’ve cooked a bacon and cheese pasta bake and spaghetti bolognaise 🙂 I did take 2 hours to cook a 40 minute meal but it turned out well so I don’t care 😛

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. I haven’t done my exercises at all…but the lift is broken and I live on the 4th floor so I’ve been walking up 4 flights of stairs for the past few days 😛 I do intend to start doing them as of tomorrow…so we’ll see how that goes lol

3. Ditto above

4. Joining a gym next week with my flat mate and a girl I met at a party 🙂

5. Have not been cycling…will start at some point when I know what times/days I’m in uni

6. I still don’t like my bust, but I’m learning to live with it which I suppose is a start. I sometimes catch myself in the mirror and think I’m fat, then I go back and look again and realize I’m not which is good. And I have days where I think “I look good today” which is positive progress 😀

7. Haven’t found a climbing wall near me, but there is a swimming pool in the gym…however it’s been drained and is being sterilized at the moment because there was an infection in the water :/

8. My heart is better, I can also eat and drink pretty much like a normal person and I’m starting to like more alcoholic drinks.  haven’t measured myself which I need to do though.

9.  I’m surviving uni very well lol… although the sleep deprivation is taking a while to get used to 😛

10. I haven’t done very well at keeping writing, but that was mainly because in the first week there wasn’t a lot to tell you about, and then in the second week EVERYTHING happened and there was no time to write. So hopefully things will settle into a routine and I’ll be able to write more now 🙂

C

FOMO – Fear of Missing Out

So the good news is that I’m still eating normally, I eat 3 meals a day and they’re healthy – no pot noodle shindig on my plate no suree 🙂

The bad news is I’m constantly stressed I’m missing out and depressed because I think I am. Everyone is recovering from last night (I wasn’t part of it because my partner drank too much at the pre-drinks and threw up everywhere so I stayed back to nurse him :p) and my Facebook is full of people saying how bad their hangovers are, and I’m scared I’m missing out. That somewhere there is a group of people having fun or such and I’m not there.

It’s most likely because of how insecure I am at the moment. I’m finding it really hard to talk and make friends, so I’m worried I’m missing out on valuable friendship building time…even though I’m only 5 days in…most people aren’t here yet…and freshers fortnight starts next week…

So in conclusion I’m probably just being silly

I also haven’t been doing my exercises…although I have done a lot of walking…not that that helps my arms but oh well. Although on the other hand a friend I met called Katie invited me to go to yoga/Pilates with her and try cheer leading, not so sure about the cheer leading but we’ll see how it goes 🙂

C

In the Valleys

So yesterday I moved to Wales 🙂 I’m doing well with food, I’m consciously making sure I eat enough and I eat healthily 🙂 So here’s to a new chapter in my life 🙂

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