An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for the ‘Month 8’ Category

Me and My Body – Red vs. Blond/Big Breasts vs. Small Breasts

NB: If you are a blond/brunette/black haired person or if you are big breasted please do not be insulted by the following post as it is not my meant to be. It is just me saying what I found on Google. I love people with other colour hair and larger breasts and I’m sure you are lovely too, this was just me being very blunt to build up some self-esteem for myself as I feel very threatened by people who are the stereotype of sexy or more well endowed than me. I am just trying to build myself up so I can recover. Many Thanks

C

So…as you all probably know I am not comfortable with my body. Lately it’s got worse. So I went a-Googling to try and build some self esteem.

Firstly…I’m a red head/Ginger/Carrot Top/Oh No Her Head Is On Fire/Freckle Face which means for most people I am a no no in terms of attraction…so I looked up ‘Hot Red Heads’

Google did not say “There are no results that match your search”…instead it came up with “About 1,370,000 results (0.35 seconds)”…that’s a lot of Red in half a second. Some pictures were captioned with: “Redheads – Do we need any other colour?” and “Redhead – Epic Sexiness Personified”.

If you google “hot blonds” you get 2,780,000 versions of this:

If you google “hot red heads” you get this sort of thing:

Yes there are the obvious one’s of red’s in their underwear…but we don’t look nearly half as slutty and sleazy as blonde’s. So what this says about me is:

  • I am a rare breed which makes me more unique
  • Red hair is described as a ‘red flag to a bull’ and is a colour associated with passion and fire so it gets guys interested
  • I can be sexy without be slutty
  • And i’m more dignified
My next problem is breast size. I’m tiny. Like tiny with a capital T. So I googled big breasts and little breasts and compared.
Some one else (unsurprisingly) was doing the same debate of big vs. little. I have to say small suits her better, the big makes her look out of proportion and the majority of guys would want her for her tits…sadly.
I wandered round various Google debates and foun it from many different sides…man/woman/girl who wants implants/guy who doesn’t understand the  fuss and this was the general concencous
  • Guys do not like implants as they are harder than natural
  • From a guys point of view it depends on if they are in proportion i.e. size 4 with DD’s bad, size 12 with DD good
  • They really don’t mind as much as they are made out to, yes they have an opinion, but it isn’t the be all and end all of physical attraction
My Bonsai Breasts is an article I found about a woman with tiny breasts and her epiphany years later about how it doesn’t really matter what size they are and to learn to love them.
007 Breasts despite the name this is not a site of beautiful Bond Girl style breasts…it is just normal people and their breasts, from completely flat to E Cups + it is just women and their normal breasts, whether their droopy, perky, have huge or inverted nipples, massive areolas (the circle around the nipple) they’re all here. They come here and write their stories and show what they have, and it’s all 100% home grown goodness. In  The Normal Breast Gallery there are hundreds of women, and looking through the images and stories made me feel better about what I have and let me know I am ‘normal’ as normal covers everyone without surgically enhanced breasts.
I am a red head and my partner loves me for it, I am not an ugly carrot top.
I have small breasts and I don’t have to feel ashamed to admit it because this is me and I am what I am.
So if you are at a stage like me of coming to terms with yourself…the mantra I literally just came up with to repeat to yourself is:
This is me and I am what I am
C
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Learning To Love

So, now my eating is more under control the final stage is to learn to love myself…which after years of loathing, starving and punishing is not going to be easy.

It’s very rare I look in the mirror and think I look OK, let alone good.

I still hate my body and everytime I see a crease in my skin (like when you slouch and your stomach loo huge) I don’t want to look at myself

Whenever I screwed up I scratch my palms with my fingernails as punishment, and I’ve scratched them raw sometimes.

So I went a-Googling and fond this: How To Love Yourself in 17 Different Ways which I am aiming to try, one step at a time.

My first challenge is to fall in love with myself…

1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

So…this could be interesting…I’ll keep you posted

C

P.S. Sorry for the long silences…I’ll try and write more often 🙂

Exercising

So, I have been pretty crap with my exercising, as in I haven’t been doing it. I’ve been too reliant on my partner to do it with me and remind me to do it, forgetting he needs his own time outside of me.

So I am branching out alone, sometimes I’ll do it with him which will be nice, but I’ve got to be more self-sustaining. So as of last night I’m going it alone.

My routine put together by my partner consists of:

  • 2 sets of 5 obliques (laying down, crossing one leg over the other at a right angle and putting the opposite elbow to it, to right elbow to right knee)

  • 2 sets of 10 curls (laying down, lifting body up with stomach)

  • Cycling for two minutes (this isn’t actual cycling, you lay on your back and make the cycling movement in the air)

  • Two sets of 10 side planks (you lay on your side with your legs out straight and lift the top leg up a bit, then down without the touching your ankles, so you have to hold it)

This lady is holding herself up but because of my weedy arms I lay down

  • Repeat once more and stop

I only do what my partner has set me to make sure I don’t over do myself and start manically exercising to loose as much weight as possible and start going backwards again. I might try using small weights to build up arm muscle as well…since i’m such a weed 🙂

The obliques and curls work my stomach, the plank works my legs (don’t feel comfortable with my thighs *que massive male groaning* lol) and the cycling does both. Because it’s been such a big obsession of mine (one I was doing nothing about, I just grumbled most evenings about  my figure) my partner laid it out to me as I can either learn to love my body and see it as he does, exercise to get the body I want or go back to starving myself and undo all the past months work. I’m not ready to start tackling the mental side of my anorexia yet, and neither of us want me to go backwards, so I decided to stop being a lazy bum and work on it.

I want to go swimming with my friends at some point, so I want to tone up a bit for that, so I now have a target of getting toned ready for it.

I want a stomach like this:

As opposed to this:

This isn't actually me...it's just an image from Google

I just want to be able to wear a bikini and not worry about my stomach (swim suits don’t fit me as I have a long body), or tie up my t-shirt in the summer when it’s warm and not be conscious, to be able to wear that little black dress and not worry. So there is my aim, and here begins the work.

The Cake Off

So, as you may or may not know I have recently started baking with my partner, and as me and my partner are bored of the school-home routine my Mum suggested we organize a big baking competition with my friends, and thus, The Cake Off was born.

My bulimic friend didn’t make it, but I did OK. I had two home cooked burgers and a panini for brunch and despite getting a bit stressed in the morning and going to bed at 11:45pm (O.o) I did quite well. I stayed awake and happy for the day. We had 12 different cakes (below)

I managed seven different slices before finally admitting defeat, and although there is still masses left, I only had one small anorexic attack and that was when I was overtired the night before and suddenly got scared at the amount of calories I was going to consume the next day.

I also managed to run around with the others in the park without getting tired and having to lie down like I have had to before which is good 🙂

Although we’ve all decided it would be a good idea to leave it for at least 6 months until we do another one so our intestines have time to recover 🙂

 

 

Update Post #4 – Weekly Weigh In

8 stone 12 pounds (+2) pounds

So just one more pound and I am officially a healthy weight for myself 😀

Update Post #3 – I Am Fat

well…I feel like I am. I haven’t been very successfull with the excersising I have to admit. So here is a list of my problems:

1) I am SO stressed with school = my face is greasy and my acne has come back

2) I have a stomach…which I’m still not OK with

3) I am tiny in the chest department and feel stupid and when I wear push up/enlarging bra’s I think I look super out of proportion

4) Because of stress I have had two breakdowns in the last week

5) My partner is constantly worried I’m over doing it and I’m going mad with stress

6) Teachers are forcing me to go to a uni I don’t want to. There is a very prestigious uni I could go to, but it’s far away, I’d be away from my partner and my family for the first time, if something goes wrong I’m isolated, the stress of getting the grades (BBB) was too much, I was secretly finding ways not to get good grades so I wouldn’t have to go and it is very research based, meaning I would have all of the uni’s reputation riding on my back…but I could also go to a lesser, up and coming uni which is closer to home, the grades are lower, I could go there with my partner and it’s more creative and practical…so I want to go to the lesser one but I keep getting pushed to go to the top one.

This is me…and I feel ugly

Update Post #2 – My bulimic friend(s)

Last I heard my close friend  is worse. It all started because a girl at her college is copying her. My friend is the popular one, and this other girl wants to be, so she began to copy my friend and to bitch really badly behind her back to try and make people think my friend is lesser. Most people think the other girl is a douche, but when my friend found out what was said she began to think something was wrong with her and began throwing up. She was doing really well and didn’t throw up for a day, then she heard the other girl had been bitching again and started throwing again. She also says she eats when she isn’t hungry, she just eats…she isn’t fat…but she is always eating…even when she isn’t hungry. She no longer see’s food as food, but rather as calories. She has a sudden desire to be the girl that when she walks into parties, everyone says how fantastic she looks…but last time she went to a party all she’d eaten that day was an apple and some paracetamol and she ended up paralytic…

Friend two finds eating is the only thing that makes her happy. She can’t go to school because her schizophrenia is so bad she can’t focus so she won’t get good grades. She can’t go to college because there is nothing to study, she can’t go to uni because she doesn’t have the grades, she can’t go to work because she’s too ill to sustain a job. She feels like her life is going no where. She eats to make herself happy, but then she wants to throw it up but because her Dad is now working at home to keep an eye on her, she can’t throw up which makes her feel ugly and dirty.

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