9 stone 4 pounds (+2 pounds in 5 weeks)
I’m not sure if my antidepressants are a good or bad thing. I don’t get as badly depressed as often…but I tend to be subconsciously depressed a lot. The drugs make me happy and cover up the fact I’m depressed, but this just makes me feel like I’m walking around with a smiley face mask on. The clues tend to be I can’t be bothered to look after myself (don’t want to shower/do my hair/do my makeup/cook), I have no interest in anything I do, I have a very short attention span and I feel strange.
My partners step mum said the one’s I’m on are good and are one of the best out of all the different types.
It got really bad last night though. Me and my partner were out with friends, we’d been to the cinema and gone to the pub and I was the only girl, they were all talking about things I had no idea about and when I had something to add I tended not to be heard which made me feel a bit crap. I didn’t want to go home because I couldn’t be bothered to cook, and I’d seen a nice new restaurant I wanted to try. The fact I felt crap and I didn’t want to cook probably meant I was already depressed but couldn’t feel it because of the drugs, so going out was not a good idea as the stress of having to look happy in public makes me tired and makes the mental crash more imminent. So it didn’t get bad until the food turned up. It was a bit spicy but after 10 minutes the spiciness was too much. I didn’t want to eat it so I lost interest and felt full up. I felt down. Then I could literally feel the energy draining out of me, I felt more and more lifeless until I no longer wanted to talk or move. The crash happened so fast my partner couldn’t stop me, I ended up sitting in a restaurant with a look in my eyes that my partner says makes me look completely empty. My partner was worried about me. I had no energy and we had to cycle home. The whole evening died as I did and my partner got depressed because I was depressed and he couldn’t help me.
We’ve decided to keep on the tablets till the end of the month as the first month is the worst, so hopefully it will get better in time. I also need to not push myself socially, if I can feel I’m not happy, don’t try and do more public things that make me feel obliged to be happy.