An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Archive for October, 2011

Welcoming in the Winter Blues

I may have already mentioned this but I suffer from bipolar disorder and SAD (seasonal affection disorder) which gets especially bad at winter. Currently I feel dead. I have no energy to do anything, I can’t decide if I want to go on holiday next year because I’m too tired to think that far, when I say tired I mean emotionally and mentally exhausted. I don’t know if I’ll be well enough by then. I’m exhausted, it feels like my brain is dead and I just want to curl up in my bed, shut the world out and stop. Stop feeling stop living (not as in die, just stop doing things) just stop and let the depression in. Basically mourn the loss of happiness. I want to be alone but I know that’s lethal and deep down I don’t want that at all. I’m just getting in with things to stop depression winning. I can’t think I juts keep going to get stuff done because if I stop life will just carry on without me.
C

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Targets

Good news ūüôā I have gained 4 pounds and have gone to 8 stone 2 pounds.

Trying to beat anorexia without a target is a bit confusing as I don’t know where I’m supposed to be aiming. Using online weight/height/age calculators I’ve found out I need to weight¬†approximately¬†10 stone (gulp) which seems a long way off since the heaviest I’ve ever been is 8 stone 5 and that was last year…I think. So my aim is to get to 10 stone at some point.

I was recommended for cognitive behavioral therapy but my first session was cancelled due to the therapist being ill and they haven’t called back. In the mean time my hormones are raging inside me and I keep crying and getting angry for no apparent reason so I’m going to the doctors on Monday (17th Oct) to see what they think is happening.

C

Sometimes…

Sometimes ¬†forget why I do this, why I try and win, why I ended up like this anyway. Sometimes I think I look fine the way I am, this is all I know, this is how people know me and why would I want to change it? Other times I can’t stand the sight of myself because I look so alien and don’t understand why anyone would do this to themselves.

I used to think¬†anorexia¬†was a disease I wouldn’t mind having because at least you were skinny. I didn’t really understand how stupid that was. I’m not skinny, i’m skeletal. I’m tired and ill and no fun because I have no energy to do anything, I’m filled with self loathing and have spent months in agony from the pain of hunger I inflicted on myself. Skinny isn’t best, skinny is worst because it consumes you. I am not my disease, but I’m not me because my disease controls me. I’m in a no mans land. I used to tell myself I’m not as bad as some other people who are in clinics, but now I’ve come to the point when I can’t keep using that excuse to cover up the fact that this is my self-harm. I can’t pretend I don’t need help because I’m not as bad as them. I’m¬†effectively¬†killing myself and although I don’t want to die I’m not trying to live.

I’m not living – I’m surviving.

CBT

Just a quick post to say I am beginning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) soon. This is a form of therapy which looks at and analyses thought processes and looks to help negative ones.

C

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